Brink of Giving Up

Deadlines are rushing close and my body and mind does not seem to want to cooperate with me.

I feel myself reaching the brink of ‘giving up’, of surrendering and just not giving a damn anymore. I’m reaching the point of using up my personal resources, of emotions, of caring, of making the most of everything. Financial tightness, registration pressure, university necessities and personal emotions running low. The tipping point was finally my body gave up and decided to develop a cold and fever during my practical days at the hospital.

I missed the first day, requesting that I may use it to work on requirements. The nurse unit manager noticed I looked sick as it is.

The next day, I survived until lunch time until finally the staff nurse I was working with told me to go home. The reason I even tried to stay as long as I could was because of my fear of messing up my ‘plans’ for my clinical hours, as I was given the opportunity to set up my own roster in the ward. Selfish and foggy thoughts, I approached the nurse unit manager to ask permission to head off early, and he agreed, but my next statement is one I regret completely and utterly for the stupidity and selfishness it shows. “Would it be possible to ask if __ would sign for my 12 hours? Or would I write in 6 hours?” I regretted it the instant I said it and saw his stern face. And he asked me “Do you think it fair to do so? It would be like me paying one of my staff for 12 hours when they only worked for 6?”. My apologies did not add up either or make sense, as I my conscious ability to think had decreased and my ego came into sudden play.

When my body is weak, my brain becomes mean. Idiotic. Unthinking.

Unexpected of myself, I ran to the toilet and let off the sudden urge to shower myself with salt water. (LOL). Frustrated.

He was my best chance of getting a job in the hospital after graduation, and I screwed it up with a statement of selfishness.

I went home and slept. Hoping it would fade off upon waking.

It didn’t. I feel that I have reached my limit. My body is weak, my mind is non-moving, and my will is slowly declining.

Deadlines are still coming, and I have yet to work on so many things.

I’ve always been the person to push the rest of my program mates in believing in themselves and looking towards what is right in front of us. Pushing and encouraging them. Worrying about them. Assisting them. Now. I need that for myself and I don’t know who to run to but God.

God. Please help me.

--- Additional

As I cross out my planned out hours on my time sheet (as it was becoming too unsightly from the changes and writing over), it came into mind that I cannot have perfect control over things. I planned out these hours, without the thought of sickness or other possibilities. As I cross them out with my friend's "white ink", it was somewhat a calming move, as I cleared out the boxed and left the empty to be filled with the hours I accomplish, than the ones I plan on accomplishing. Not all things can be controlled. All things unfold on its own. All things happen for a reason. And only God's will will set what is right. I have to learn to loosen up my grip and deal with what comes.

God. Please guide me.

"God's" Message for me on Facebook

You know of the application where you can see what your message from God is for the day? 


Here is mine for the day:


"On this day, God wants you to know

... that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about."

Last night, I was out with a friend and I shared about my biggest mistake in my life: cheating on my previous boyfriend. 

I know these things are randomized and may have no spiritual aspect to it, but the timing of such a message was quite interesting and well, you can't help but think "God truly works in mysterious ways..."

Can I assume that this is what it refers to?

I honestly don't want to assume this, but then again, it might be my mechanism of denial as well. That I still believe that I need to be punished for it. 

I can't let go. I can't see myself as someone worthy of love after being used as a toy while I loved another person. 

One step at a time. 

'Someone Like You' by Adele

This song is for someone special who's happiness I pray for everyday, for every day he made me happy and a million times more.

Big 'Brother' turned Creep

This happened during the holidays, but I've only decided to share this now as I believe that this blog would not be accurate or incomplete if I do not state all minor and major changes or experiences in my life. 

This whole blog is not intended to please others or make a statement in the world, but as a journal or evidence of my own growth, either good or bad. 

Meeting new friends and staying out all night, holidays were great stress relief and experience. I would stay overnight at a friend’s place when drinking would take place there; it was an atmosphere of bonding and friendship.

We had dinner in the city one night and headed off to my friend’s place to drink. The night slowly came to a close and people made their way home. Without any public transportation available at such a late hour, I had to stay for the night again. K, AB and M went up to their rooms while A, T and I remained in the living room to finish the bottle of Jim Beam. 'A' fell asleep on the bean bag and T offered his room for my comfort while he would remain with A in the living room.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

He brought me up, showed me some towels and switched on the heater. I settled into bed with my body aching (walked around the city a lot) and a head that felt light from the alcohol.

I heard T shut the door, but unexpected;y felt something climbing into bed with me. I turned around to see him there. He promised to behave and that he simply wanted to just lie down in his own bed.

T is the ‘big brother’ in the group, watching out for the safety of others and calling the shots when things get out of hand. He was to be trusted. Or so I thought.

I agreed, inching away from him and keeping a big gap between the two of us.

I slowly felt myself drifting off to sleep, when I felt something touching my waist. I pushed his hand away and he repeated “sorry’s” and again reassured that he would not touch me again.

I inched farther away and rested my head back on the bed. Minutes passed and I felt something touching my lower back. I sat up and turned to get out of bed. He grabbed my arm, with a strong grip saying that he completely promise not to do anything anymore. The amount of strength he used frightened me and I lay back down into bed, inching even further down the edge of the bed.

Minutes passed again, and I feel a stroking along my waist and a hand going into my shirt.

I jumped up and ran to the door, but he ran and blocked my way. I stepped away from him.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

For half an hour or more, I tried and reason with him to step away from the door and to let me out. He kept repeating, “Just hold on a second and let me think.” I reasoned that he wasn’t helping the situation by blocking the door, that there was nothing to do, that the best thing to do was to let me go home, that he was drunk, illogical and could not make any decision or think clearly in that situation. Past the half-hour marker, my voice raised and my hands were shaking and I started to grab things in his room and throw them off. He continued to stay in my path. I had never felt so much anger, disrespect and hate for anyone in my life, nor have I raised my voice as much as I did to even my friends or enemies. The urge to hit him was so strong, but I knew that it would simply aggregate the situation and I knew he had the strength to pin me down.

I was in complete amazement of how no one came knocking on the door from all the noise we were causing. Knocked out by alcohol or complete wimps.

He finally let me out of the room, after making a deal that I would drink water before leaving.

We headed down. I drank the glass of water and headed out of the door.

I noticed him getting his jacket and slippers. Quickly I told him to stay in the house. Coming with me to the railway station was not necessary, and the best thing for him to do was to go upstairs and sleep off his ‘drunkness’.

Again, a half an hour ‘debate’ erupted, and it ended with me simply turning around and walking as fast as I can to the railway station. I heard footsteps and turned around to see him following me. My anger reached its peak. Highest it has ever been  in my life. I screamed out at him, “Don’t you dare come near me at all!”, “Just f*** off, just get the f*** away from me!” All these until I finally got to the platform and approached the first woman I saw if that were heading to the city (although I knew I was on the right one). I turned around and saw him across the fence. Not less than a minute and the train arrived and I jumped in without looking back again and sat amongst people starting a new day of good things, while I was ending my night of a bad trip. 

I sat in silence the whole time, staring blankly into space and completely empty.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

I fell into bed and in my sleep felt it all again and cried; waking up to a wet pillow and the feeling of being used.

the Dream the Morning After

I haven’t woken up to any dreams the past months. When I say ‘woken up to’, it’s when you wake up and you still have a dream lingering or a memory of it (saying this in relation to a theory that all people dream, it’s a matter of whether they remember it when they wake up or not). My dreams usually involve strange happenings and environments, impossible acts and unrecognizable faces.

(retrieved from google.com.au)

Finally, had a dream, but it was one completely unexpected.

Before I go on, here are some theories as to the purpose of dreams:

> physiological benefits

> preserve sleep 

> represenation of unconscious desires, thoughts and motivations (Freud)

> "...most creative conscious state, one in which the chatoic, spontaneous recombination of cognitive elements produces novel configurations of information: new ideas." (subjective interpretation of signals generated by the brain) (J.Allan Hobson & Robert McClarley)

The little bit of memory I have of the dream is…

I met Mr. Opinionated (please refer to previous post) somewhere outside that had a slight elevation (possibly a hill) and it was at night. It wasn't too bright. More of yellow dim lights, but unaware of where or what they were. There were others around, I suppose. We started to walk up and he held my hand. This part felt real. They were strong, firm, and warm. I noticed him cringing as we walked up. He was clutching his side and a thought came to mind that he was stabbed, but the wound was old. He said not to mind it and that he was fine (no actually words, more of an understanding or his body language); smiling to assure me everything was alright. We continued up the hill. And it cuts short there.

Don’t remember if the dream continues on, or if I simply forgot. That’s all I can remember as of now.

(Did I mention how my dreams usually involve unrecognizable people, not someone from my own life?)

(retrieved via google.com.au)

I woke up from this in complete disbelief. I remained in bed shaking my head, repeating to myself “No, no, no. Don’t even start. Don’t delude yourself. Don’t even think about liking him.No, no, no.”

Confused? Let’s talk about the events that occurred before this dream.

From the previous post, you would have read about how we met, as well as my financial situation.

His friends suggested that I approach him as he would be knowledgeable in looking for a part-time job and may have the privilege of using his connections.

(retrieved from google.com.au)

Called him up and tried to set-up a time to meet and discuss it (I was uncomfortable talking over the phone about such a serious matter). We were to meet the night of the call, but as I checked the bus stop, I would not be able to go home if I were to meet him, so I called him again to postpone it to after lunch the next day.

Next day came, and I waited in the city. Called him twice, sent him three messages all within the span of the two or three hours I waited for him. He did not reply or call, so I decided to go home. In the evening, I received a text from him saying that he was sorry and that he had fallen asleep. He asked when I would be free next. I told him I would only be free the next night.

(retrieved from google.com.au)

Next night came, but I did not expect at all a meeting or anything from him, as he did not reply to my message the day before. He called me up as I was about to have dinner, and told me that him and his friends were going to have dinner and asked me to join so that we could discuss about jobs too. I told him ‘ok’, but later on messaged him that I would not be able to join dinner but would catch up after. Finished dinner early and hoped to catch up with them before they headed off to dinner. I called and told him I would be in the city within the hour, he told me that they were be going to another suburb (N) and did not know the specific location of the restaurant. My eye twitched. I said it was alright and that I would just wait for them in a suburb near the city (V). After watching an hour of Lord of the Rings, I left the house and headed off. Once I got to suburb V, I called him up (Note: on this night, the calls were made and answered by his friend, not him) and told him where I was and that I would wait for them. He asked me to meet them in the city instead. Closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Headed to the city. 

Finally met them. We talked for about 30 minutes with his friends around, not even continuously as he could not give me much details or names, just general advice I probably could have gotten off someone else. In the portions where I briefly talked about my situation, he would look around as if no interest. Clenched my first. They had to head off and catch their bus and he asked if I would be alright on my own. My mouth twitched. I said I’d be fine. Said our good-byes and headed back to my bus stop. Then home.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

The transition of my impression of Mr. Opinionated from the first time I met him went from 'good-looking' to 'smart and opinionated' to 'a bit uptight' and finally to 'rude and disrespectful'.

I even got all giddy when he left two little comments on my Facebook wall a couple of days before this. One as a ‘reaction’ or ‘opinion’ about a status message I posted (‘Little boys talk; Real men do.”), and a message on my wall saying that he heard that I have fenced (the sport) in the past.

Went home from that little meeting quite grateful for the input he’s given me, but turned-off by the rudeness he presented. I was disappointed and told myself to forget it, he’s great on a superficial level but hollow on the inside.

The next morning from the little meeting… I had that dream.

Hence, my reaction of complete disbelief and continuous lecturing to myself that I cannot feel anything for him. It’d be a waste of time. He’s not worth my time if he can’t even give me his. He's obviously not interested or have any feelings for me at all.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

In all honesty, I don’t know what the dream means. All I know is that, I can’t afford to fantasize about someone I will not have a future with, who couldn’t even make the effort to wake up or wait a bit longer for me.

Boo-!

Lessons from Unemployment

My goal for the little break from university was to save up as much as I can for the coming expenses for registration and finance to start a new life completely on my own by the end of the year. Sadly, that did not happen. At all. In actuality, the complete opposite happened.

I’ve been working in a Mediterranean restaurant since March of this year and they’ve been kind enough to give me extra hours when I can provide it or when I am available. Unexpectedly though, during the holidays, although my availability was wide open, the hours they were giving me were becoming less and less. This caused me panic and therefore I decided to take the opportunity to look for a part-time job as an assistant in nursing or a personal carer.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

After a week or two of hunting, one job finally called me in for an interview.

The interview went well. And at the end of it, the manager sounding very positive mentioned that all I would need to do is go through orientation and training. Excited and setting my mind to sticking to this job, I informed the restaurant that I will be quitting within the week to make myself available for the said training.

Two weeks after the interview, with intermittent calls to the aged care centre asking about the status or news of my employment, I finally got a hold of the busy manager who casual said,

“Oh. I’m sorry. We forgot to call you to inform you that you were not able to get the job. We have found someone who can commit to use indefinitely, as we understand that you will only be able to stay in this facility till December.”

(retrieved via google.com.au)

Jaw dropped. I’ve been enjoying my holiday while waiting for this lady to call me back, assuring myself that once I start training and orientation, the pay they will give me will be able to cover the expenses of the past week or two.

Lesson One: Never be too sure or rely on what others say. Just because they say it, there is never an assurance that it’ll be true. (In other words, don't be as gullible or naive as me.)

Lesson Two: Always have a specific amount of savings so that when times get rough, you’ll still be able to pay rent.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

Lesson Three: Always have a back-up plan.

And most importantly... 

Lesson Four: Always have a job.

I am financially struggling at this point. I’ve crawled back to the restaurant for my old job. I’m very grateful that they were willing to welcome me back. Despite this though, since my return, they still have not given me proper hours. From an average of two or three days of work a week, it has been reduced to one (and only if I insist or take the extra effort to ask for it).

Looking for a second job to help me get back on my feet; hoping and praying I find one that’ll fit my situation and schedule appropriately, or even perfectly.

Not the best time of my life, but I have learned important life lessons (scarred into my brain).

Learning all of this, at one point I thought to myself,

“Wow, I really am still young and immature. I still have so many things to learn in life.”

 --------------------------

"The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work."  ~Harry Golden

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere."  ~Frank A. Clark

the Incessant 'Love' Triangle

You can pretty much guess what this little blog will be about based on the title.

So, here is triangle number one:

I meet a boy. He’s nice, funny and we get along well.

I meet his friend. He’s cute, courteous and down-to-earth. I like him.

Funny boy likes me. I like Mr. Courteous. Mr. Courteous is interested but does nothing.

Triangle number two:

I meet a boy through a common friend. He’s nice, and funny. He offers to show me around the clubs one night with his friends.

I meet his friend. He’s artistic, down-to-earth, humble and adorable. We converse easily.

I meet another friend. I’ve seen him before at a place I frequent with another group of friends. He’s good-looking, smart, opinionated and strong. I like him.

Mr. Artistic makes a bit of effort to know me after the night. Mr. Opinionated is nowhere in sight. 

(retrieved via google.com.au)

Both triangles unfolded in a span of two to three weeks. They weren’t kidding when they said that time goes by fast and a lot of things can happen in a day. And funny how the same situation repeated itself twice within such a short amount of time. (Laughs dryly.)

At this point of time though, triangle number one is gone and triangle number two is subsiding, except for my little crush on Mr. Opinionated. Despite this little fact, I have repeatedly told myself that as the holidays are over, so does the distractions. He’s a distraction who doesn’t actually do anything. My own mind makes him a distraction.

Eew.