Unexpected "Amazing-ness"

A friend sent me a text saying that he had extra tickets to a show called “Tic Tic II Tour”, a hip hop dance showcase. I wasn’t aware of who the performers were or what to expect, but they were free so I agreed to take them. We arrived in the concert hall, and there were so many kids dressed up in style (hip hop style at least) and Asians. Still clueless of the performers, we waited patiently till they directed us to our designated doors.

The performances started and the whole showcase literally BLEW MY MIND AWAY. The hip hop performances were amazing and as the night drew closer to an end, the better and amazing they became. The experience was amazing. Without any expectations and just getting completely shocked by the wonderful performances, it was just an amazing night and experience. There were members of Kaba Modern, Quest Crew, and the Poreotics were the main performers of the night, and they did not disappoint at all; clean and amazing choreography, creativity to the max.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

At one point of the night, I became a teenage girl again, squeeling and simply could not stop smiling from hot boys dancing damn sexy moves. They literally turned me on with me just sitting in my seat, and them on the stage. And the most unexpected thing happened too! I’ve been following some youtube artists and… ONE OF THEM PERFORMED THAT NIGHT! I was completely clueless and when they introduced him and he walked onto stage, I stared at my friend, speechless and just could not grinning and smiling at all. JR Aquino was AMAZING on stage, his voice was so soulful and groovy and just amazing. And another bonus, Joseph Vincent performed amazing medleys and he was a great performer too.

Having no expectations is great, because of all these wonderful surprises! Although, I think, even if I knew they were to perform, I’d still think all these acts were amazing and just wonderful.

At the end of the night, I was just grateful for being alive, to experience such wonderful randomness. The whole show was just this huge reminder of the things that made me smile, things I was so passionate about back home, things I loved to do and things I knew I still wanted to do; dance, singing, guitar, organizing shows, the lights, music, everything about it. These were things that I never realized, but helped me get through the monotonous living and studying, that gave color to my life and that helped me connect to people and use my creativity to the max. It was wonderful and it was exactly what I needed in this point of my life, where the night before I was wondering outside the apartment in circles in the middle of the night just to breathe and ‘unclench’ my chest and mind from all the stress I was feeling.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

It was amazing, the timing couldn’t have been better, and truly, we’re all being watched and looked after. Thank you, thank you. I can breathe, I can breathe.

Sooner than later, I will do all the things that made me happy again.

Side Note:

Saw a magpie chase after a guy on a motorbike (never knew how fast they flew).

The Second Job Dilemma

Have you come upon situations wherein before it happens to you, you’re certain of the choice or decision you would make, but once it happens, you become clueless?

People complain of slaving to works every day, doing ‘just a job’ to pay the rent and keep up with the bills, but cliché goes that you should do what you love and do what makes you happy. I was one of these to repeat such clichés to friends when a dilemma arises. Once it happens to you though, completely changes the story, doesn’t it?

I need a second job to save money for the coming transition (possibly moving to a new place or a car, and visa expenses). And I have two options… somewhat.

One job I’ve already been accepted to: people are great hard working but fun people, but the pay is crap. You deserve to grab every opportunity that makes you happy or out of the blue, when it’s hard to get it on a ‘regular’ basis in life.

Another job, I have yet to pass in my resume but my friend assures me that they would hire me: very professional atmosphere, formal dining, decent pay, but I have a feeling I won’t be getting along well with the others, and it’ll be ‘tight-ass’, as it is fine dining. So best behavior, just like what I’m doing in my first job.

Working at a place where, although it is stressful, it’s a bit fun because of the people; or in a restaurant that are professional and pay well.

Work with people you’ll enjoy; or work for good pay?

My priority is the money, but my happiness is never assured. This leads to the reflection of a ‘typical situation’: working to get paid.

To follow the cliché; or, to follow the ‘norm’?

Next Step: Employers

On Tuesday, I rushed up to the second floor to drop in my resume to apply for the Graduate Nurse Program I knew the hospital was offering, but turns out that I missed the deadline by 3 to 4 days. I missed the deadline for the applications for government hospitals (as they were all done at one time under one system), and the end of the program was coming to an end.

I directly went into panic mode. No exaggeration.

Rode the first bus to head to my friend’s place, used his phone and laptop to look up the full list of private hospitals from the government website and called all of the hospitals with a 50 to 100 bed capacity. Almost every single one put me down. Left some messages on some, but when the second or third callback came to give me a negative, I couldn’t help it. I broke down on my friend’s couch. None of my friends have ever seen me cry (only some my workmates at the restaurant during Mother’s day). It was a complete down low.

Finding a sponsor is my only option to stay here and it wasn’t an option to fail. My friend soothed me and told me to keep trying. I picked myself up and told him we were going to drop by the church.

I haven’t had the chance to go as often as I liked, but on that day, it was truly what I needed.  Faith and belief are great tools in times of doubt and uncertainties.

We spent almost half an hour in the church. I lit a candle for my problems with sponsorship and another for my family and friends; sat down in one of the pews and just prayed and talked and reflected upon what I needed to do.  It is amazing what a little in-depth prayer can do for you. I felt a bit of clarity, and was reminded of an important fact I often have trouble remembering:

“Everything happens for a reason for God has a great plan for us, whether we see what is to come or not…”

I cannot control all things in my life but I can do my best in everything.

There’s a special little quote on my wall that I have failed to read over the past weeks due to busy schedules, stress and a bit of depression. I’m pretty sure I’ve posted it in my blog a couple of times but it never fails to push me on. It goes like this:

“Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe…” ~ Gail Devers

Thank you, God…

Distraction

The pain and hurt is still present, although my educated mind understands completely that I shouldn’t be. We’ve been apart for months; it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Before the ‘news’, I have been getting to know others and getting along well with the rest; but, as soon as the ‘news’ hit, subconsciously perhaps, I started to become more open to a guy who was the closest to me at the time. He’s makes me laugh and is such a sweetheart, he’s a nice guy. A nice guy. Typically not one I would be attracted to but he does have looks, and with a bit of work, girls would probably be chasing after him. He had become my distraction.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

It took me a couple of days to realize what I may be doing to him, practically using him just to comfort myself and my hurting ego. Before my realization, we were getting comfortable, knowing each other more, and reaching to a point of getting to know each other on a serious level and maybe even a commitment, official or not. I believe it was the point where it was closing on as a commitment that I got slapped out, and my normal ‘chicken’ self popped its head up and started to question whether what was going on was real or not. Was it based on feelings for my ex ‘moved’ towards another, or did I genuinely like this new guy?

I couldn’t handle using someone and being aware of it. It just wasn’t it me. I explained the situation and I proposed that we strictly become friends until my hurt ego heals itself or at least recuperates from the blow; at least when the time comes that I am thinking clearly, I would be confident of my own emotions and what I want to do about it.

Another little thorn or distraction: I still like his good friend, the bartender. It is part of the reason why I don’t want to become more than friends just yet, since it would completely wipe out my chances of getting know his friend. Wouldn’t it be right to take a risk for someone you completely feel for? (I’ve liked him for months now.)

On the other hand, his friend hasn’t made a move, or even attempted to do anything. Do I allow myself to wait around for something that might not come?

Decision for all this: just stop it all. Be friends with both. See how things go.

I’m still young, there’s no rush.

(Easier said than done, hey?)

P.S.
Despite the distractions, I still think about my ex; but probably not as much as it would if I didn't have any. I don't know. Doing my best to heal. I know I'll get there. Just don't want to use anyone just to reach it.

He's Moving On

I’m not entirely sure if I’ve mentioned about my ‘love’ history, but I have a feeling I have. But just as a quick summary: to come here (another continent), I had to leave my ‘almost’ 2-years boyfriend back at home.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

The first couple of weeks, maybe months, were spent waking up and missing him, and all that was home. And as time passed, he would become an occasional thought. When boys (yes, boys, not men) crept into my life, he became an intermittent memory I looked upon unconsciously, comparing the present suitors to my past. For the past weeks, from a ‘basis’ or guide of what I look for, it became thoughts of longing and of old emotions resurfacing. ‘I love him’ passed through my head as I thought of what he had done to make me happy: small moments and big gestures.

It was unexpected, this resurfacing, as I have always imagined myself to be alright to move away from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You realize the small traits that made the big difference. And when others come around who can’t match up, you think back and wonder and wish for their presence in your life now.

We have been keeping in touch. An e-mail every week or fortnightly, of new things and updates of common friends; and along those messages, I guess they helped my feelings stay ‘intact’ for him.

A couple of weeks ago, he mentioned in passing of a girl he admired or was interested in (actually, I had to ‘squeeze’ it out of him). I encourage him to try and befriend her, get to know her. He disagrees, saying she was ‘too high up there’ and he wasn’t anything she’d be interested in.

Finally, after his trip to an island with an amazing beach, he sends me back an e-mail of little updates and mentions in passing (again) that he was getting close to her.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

He was a man who was loyal and his love for me was great, no doubting that. He accepted for me, even after stupid things and dead ends. We know that we’ll always be special to each other, but I guess it’s fair to say that we both knew waiting for a year or two would never really happen. I’m glad, truly am, that he’s found someone there who may deserve his love and his warmth. He’s a great man and one who truly knows how to protect and take care of his girl. Of course, a feelings of hurt and sadness are evident (blank staring, urge to cry but no tears, etc). But it’s for the better.

I’ve posted “Someone Like You” by Adele, dedicated to him, but it has an even deeper meaning after his little ‘passing’ message. I do wish all the best to him, he deserves every happiness he can get and a special someone who’ll take care of him too. 

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Addition:

As I was with him for a long time, I’ve become fairly close with his friends too. Some of which were at that beach escapade they had.

I saw the pictures, of him being with his new girl; with her in his arms and vice versa. Obviously, they haven’t just ‘started’ to get close.

They look happy, like they’ve been getting to know each other for quite awhile, and I’m glad to see that he has found someone who makes him happy. Again, he deserves every happiness he can get. 

My friend posted up three albums of their escapade, and in every album, I opened up every picture I could see of him and then those with the girl. It was hard on me, a bit of a torture, but I looked at every picture I could see of them and saw their happy faces, sticking to each other, and hugs full of love and comfort.

All I can do now is to fully let him go and wish him the best. I’ve sent an e-mail to ‘formally’ cut off all communication. He deserves to be free, not held down by a ‘foreign entity’. It obviously hasn’t held him down per se, but I guess it’s for my good as well.

It hurts but I guess I always knew this was coming. It was bound to happen. And I just have to keep breathing.

Breathing…

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Update (5 Sept 2011):

Woke up this morning with tears in my eyes; I was pretty shocked about that.

The whole day was pretty hard and I can’t shake of the feeling of tightness in my chest. When I’m working, I’m completely fine; but when given the chance to just sit down and do nothing, I fall into a blank stare and start remembering the pictures and tear up again.

I did not expect myself to be this affected by such new, although I always knew the day would come. I guess its because deep inside I always hoped for a future with him. After a year or two of being a part, we would finally be able to be together again. I’ve even daydreamed about how it would be to see him again, to live with him in our own place. Oh g**. I’m pathetic.

I feel so stupid for being so affected and hurt by something lost so long ago. But it does. It hurts so much with just a slight thought of it.

I feel as well that I am happy for him because he deserves someone good, but for myself, I truly don’t believe I deserve to be with anyone with what I’ve done to him. And despite my mistakes, he still loved me so much and I guess that’s another reason why it hurts so much now.

I don’t know what to think to make things better for myself. I know I have to forgive myself soon enough but I just don’t know how to or if I really deserve to.

I still love him. It hurts. He’s happy. He deserves it. I need to let him go. I need to forgive myself. I need to survive this. I need to.