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| (retrieved via google.com.au) |
The first couple of weeks, maybe months, were spent waking
up and missing him, and all that was home. And as time passed, he would become
an occasional thought. When boys (yes, boys, not men) crept into my life, he
became an intermittent memory I looked upon unconsciously, comparing the
present suitors to my past. For the past weeks, from a ‘basis’ or guide of what
I look for, it became thoughts of longing and of old emotions resurfacing. ‘I
love him’ passed through my head as I thought of what he had done to make me
happy: small moments and big gestures.
It was unexpected, this resurfacing, as I have always
imagined myself to be alright to move away from him. Absence makes the heart
grow fonder. You realize the small traits that made the big difference. And
when others come around who can’t match up, you think back and wonder and wish
for their presence in your life now.
We have been keeping in touch. An e-mail every week or fortnightly,
of new things and updates of common friends; and along those messages, I guess
they helped my feelings stay ‘intact’ for him.
A couple of weeks ago, he mentioned in passing of a girl he admired
or was interested in (actually, I had to ‘squeeze’ it out of him). I encourage
him to try and befriend her, get to know her. He disagrees, saying she was ‘too
high up there’ and he wasn’t anything she’d be interested in.
Finally, after his trip to an island with an amazing beach,
he sends me back an e-mail of little updates and mentions in passing (again)
that he was getting close to her.
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| (retrieved via google.com.au) |
He was a man who was loyal and his love for me was great, no
doubting that. He accepted for me, even after stupid things and dead ends. We
know that we’ll always be special to each other, but I guess it’s fair to say
that we both knew waiting for a year or two would never really happen. I’m
glad, truly am, that he’s found someone there who may deserve his love and his
warmth. He’s a great man and one who truly knows how to protect and take care
of his girl. Of course, a feelings of hurt and sadness are evident (blank
staring, urge to cry but no tears, etc). But it’s for the better.
I’ve posted “Someone Like You” by Adele, dedicated to him,
but it has an even deeper meaning after his little ‘passing’ message. I do wish
all the best to him, he deserves every happiness he can get and a special
someone who’ll take care of him too.
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Addition:
As I was with him for a long time, I’ve become fairly close
with his friends too. Some of which were at that beach escapade they had.
I saw the pictures, of him being with his new girl; with her
in his arms and vice versa. Obviously, they haven’t just ‘started’ to get
close.
They look happy, like they’ve been getting to know each
other for quite awhile, and I’m glad to see that he has found someone who makes
him happy. Again, he deserves every happiness he can get.
My friend posted up three albums of their escapade, and in
every album, I opened up every picture I could see of him and then those with
the girl. It was hard on me, a bit of a torture, but I looked at every picture I
could see of them and saw their happy faces, sticking to each other, and hugs
full of love and comfort.
All I can do now is to fully let him go and wish him the
best. I’ve sent an e-mail to ‘formally’ cut off all communication. He deserves
to be free, not held down by a ‘foreign entity’. It obviously hasn’t held him
down per se, but I guess it’s for my good as well.
It hurts but I guess I always knew this was coming. It was
bound to happen. And I just have to keep breathing.
Breathing…
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Update (5 Sept 2011):
Woke up this morning with tears in my eyes; I was pretty
shocked about that.
The whole day was pretty hard and I can’t shake of the
feeling of tightness in my chest. When I’m working, I’m completely fine; but
when given the chance to just sit down and do nothing, I fall into a blank stare
and start remembering the pictures and tear up again.
I did not expect myself to be this affected by such new, although
I always knew the day would come. I guess its because deep inside I always
hoped for a future with him. After a year or two of being a part, we would
finally be able to be together again. I’ve even daydreamed about how it would
be to see him again, to live with him in our own place. Oh g**. I’m pathetic.
I feel so stupid for being so affected and hurt by something
lost so long ago. But it does. It hurts so much with just a slight thought of
it.
I feel as well that I am happy for him because he deserves
someone good, but for myself, I truly don’t believe I deserve to be with anyone
with what I’ve done to him. And despite my mistakes, he still loved me so much
and I guess that’s another reason why it hurts so much now.
I don’t know what to think to make things better for myself.
I know I have to forgive myself soon enough but I just don’t know how to or if I
really deserve to.
I still love him. It hurts. He’s happy. He deserves it. I need
to let him go. I need to forgive myself. I need to survive this. I need to.
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