Heart or Mind Loop?

I’ve been in a total loop in relation to my feelings towards PJ. Literally. One day I tell myself to give it a chance and let things happen. The next moment, I’m telling him that I’ve got issues, damaged and unsure of my own self-worth and that it won’t work out between us because it has been difficult as it is. My mind has been looping around in circles over and over again.

Before I got together with my ex, my mind went in loops too: uncertainties, questioning my self-worth and if the risk was necessary. But a friend I became close with, who was a close friend of his as well, asked, begged, me to give his friend a chance: “Don’t run away from it this time.”

(retrieved via google.com.au)

He was aware of my history of running when things got 'too' close or 'involved'. The biggest example of that was my ‘prom blues’. And since then, from such a big scar, even the smallest risk of opening it up again just made me inch away and run. I took the chance because of the push and was with my ex for close to two-years.

PJ is different, that’s for certain, but the situation and my ‘loops’ are almost the same. Although I am acting 'more demanding' because I have ‘standards’, then I question myself if I even have the right to have such standards, and if I even had the capabilities to meet his. It's more of the fact that we have such different cultures that 'courting' is viewed and approached in such a different manner.

I think I just scared him off with my message of this whole emotional 'debate' (a summary of this in a way), where in the end I said “Run away while you still can, PJ”. The conversation actually came out of the blue. I brought it out of the blue when we were just discussing about whether we would meet up for a movie tomorrow.

The week before, we agreed to watch a movie as well. Near his place because he still had a meeting at the university and I had more time to travel than he did, for us to catch the movie. On that same day, I got the job offer and it was supposed to serve as a little celebration. I was meant to spend it with my brother and J (they texted me after PJ asked me, so I told them I had plans but was willing to cancel it for them. They told me we could do it the next day, which we did.). PJ assured me that it wouldn’t be a hassle at all and that he could meet me for the movie.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

I waited at the food court near the cinemas (his place/suburb is about an hour long travel from where I live, but I agreed to do so because of his university meeting). Our agreed time to meet was at 7pm; I arrived at 630 because of the bus schedule, but ended up waiting for an hour and a half for him because his meeting ran longer than expected. I wasn’t too happy. I was shocked and amazed and ecstatic from the good news and wanted to celebrate it with those who matter the most. His invitation came first so I accepted, but while waiting for him, I became mad because I could have been celebrating an important stepping stone in my life with my family. I’ve never been that mad and disappointed with him before. He finally came around and I saw he was genuinely guilty, but the whole night it was clear that he didn’t know what to do to completely make it up to me. He made me laugh, gave me a big hug, but towards the end, acted like nothing happened. It didn’t feel completely ‘off my shoulder’ after that.

Hence why when he asked about a movie date tomorrow, I teased about whether he would really show up. We joked. We tried to plan, then those thoughts of trust and self-worth came in and I opened it up to him initially by asking “aren’t you getting tired or frustrated with me yet?”, in a joking manner.

Then I stumbled upon this song…

“Near to You” performed by A Fine Frenzy.

Excerpt:

“He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be”

I am happy with him when we’re physically together; when we talk and laugh with each other, in each other’s company. The lyrics that talk of moving so slowly (about getting over my ex) and trying to become the person I used to be, those completely described how I feel and it was amazing that I found the words of my emotions through this song. I am not too certain, or maybe unwilling to accept, that maybe he is making me better by being with him. And that I'm still finding my way back to who I used to be: less bitter, lighter, happier? So uncertain… But I’m starting to believe though that it may be too late now, after sending the message to run away from me. Funny.

On a positive note: the song is beautiful and it was amazing to stumble upon it by accident to find that it described what I needed to put into words. 

A Moment to Express Gratitude

I’d like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude for where I am, where I've been and where I will be.

I had an interview exactly 7 days ago and had a call back today about the outcome: they offered me the job. They will have to wait for my registration to be finalized, which I pray will come out by December or January, and all the paper works will be finalized by then. It feels like half of the burden on my shoulders has been lifted, but I feel like I shouldn’t completely settle down or ‘take it easy’ as anything can happen.but I’m so happy for the simple fact that I do have something there, an opportunity. 

(retrieved via google.com.au)

Thank you, Lord. So much. For this opportunity to be progressing towards my goal, my dreams, my aspiration. For life in general and for the family and friends I have around me that have been my foundation and support throughout the ups and downs. For everything tangible and intangible in this world. The beauty of the trees and skies, and the emotions of love, hurt and happiness. I am nothing without you, Lord.

Thank you to my brother and his girlfriend for being my primary support throughout my journey here and for being my advisors and companions. I would be mentally insane and on the streets at this point without you guys.

For the new and the old. Mistakes, learning and growth. Opportunities to experience life and to be part of it.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

There is still a very long way to go, but I couldn’t go on without letting out my gratitude for it all.

A step forward and more to come.

Thank you…

Words

After reading a best friend’s blog about how words can change the world (alright, exaggerating, she meant more than that but that’s what I’m getting out for this post), I went off to a blog of an author, his words never failed to inspire me: Paulo Coelho. There were all these amazing quotes and I stumbled upon one that suited my current situation perfectly:

“Don't allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not.”

(retrieved via google.com.au)

The night before I was talking to my brother about how I was changing, and I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I was easily bitter, complaining and saying bad things in my head over simple matters that would usually not bother me before. He explained, in the stern voice he always used in such conversation, that the change is inevitable. To survive here and to survive at all, I couldn’t continue to have the “C--- (name of home island) attitude”, where it was laid back, life was easy and good, and not a full-on hard work to be done. I agreed, of course. I was here for the good, and all good things never come easy. I knew I would have to suffer to get to the best, but I did not realize I would have to lose myself. I sat on the edge of my bed, contemplating this and decided, I would change, yes, but not into a person I don’t want to be. Change for the better, for whatever skill or attitude would help me survive these times, but not into a bitter or negative person who lacks the care and warmth of my old self.

I’ve decided to start by simply picking up old habits: reading a novel again. I’ve said before that I’ve missed the simple things in life and it doesn’t get as simple as reading a novel, and I was a huge book worm growing up. Picking it back up now might not be a bad thing. It’ll serve as a distraction and means to relieve some stress and provide some relaxation. PJ said in passing about signing up for the library a couple of days back, and that’s exactly what I did. Money aspect of doing something for myself: solved! I’m slowly putting myself together, and getting to know myself more again. It’s very small and very slow, but I’m think I like the feeling.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

On today’s “God wants you to know” app was perfectly beautiful as well, as it reflected exactly what I needed to hear after having this huge fear about my limitations and weaknesses, as my first interview for a prospective job comes up:

“... that God sees you as you truly are, - a holy child of light: I see you strong and whole. I see you blessed and prospered. I see you courageous and confident. I see you capable and successful. I see you free from all limitations or bondage of any kind. I see you as the spiritually perfect being you truly are.”

It was perfect. This was what I needed to put myself up again. And with these words, I will go in the interview tomorrow and know that I am who I am and capable. I am capable.

Positive words. Positive thinking.
I will survive this. I am surviving this.


P.S.
Check out my friend's blog, she's a darling and talented writer. Enjoy.
(http://joaniewoanie.blogspot.com/)

Current State of Mind

It’s all coming to an end soon, and so is my physical, mental and emotional level. I’m feeling drained and tired of everything; getting tired easily too. I would prefer to bum around the house than work (I would imagine a lot of working people would agree to this statement). I’m sighing a lot just to be able to lessen that tightness; blank staring is a cherished holiday.

I had training at my new second job at a fine dining restaurant, and I was so tired during and after. It wasn’t physically draining as the bar job, and I felt it odd to feel so tired though. Realized that I didn’t talk to any of my co-workers because we were all busy, no customers because it wasn’t part of my job, and I guess socializing in general is important; even outside of work. Talking, catching up, sharing stories and simply being with another person does help you cope and enjoy life. I talk with my brother and J but not to the point of a conversation, but more of a passing “did you know” or little updates as “so you know”.

In general though, I do not know what genuinely makes me happy anymore. Watching movies is temporary, food is temporary and leaves a damaging effect on my body (fats!) and the few close friends I have are usually busy with other things. What makes me happy?

I made a post a couple of days ago about a dance showcase I watched and talked about how happy it made me feel and the realization of what I wanted to do; but I obviously can’t do that now. What has always kept me going back home to get me out of the glooms or was something out of the norm of my routine life?

Then I remembered my ex-partner. I woke up crying again this morning because of a dream I had of him. Again. But I know I don’t need a partner to make me happy. I just need to figure it out soon before my state of mind spirals down further...

Best "Tip" from a Customer

Back to work still recovering from my sick days and I wasn't exactly wagging my tail about it. I felt good enough though, and pushed myself, keeping a positive attitude about the day. Work started off pretty well, although there were would be occasions when my head would get a bit light or I would remind myself to take deep breaths. I went to the back for a bit (for this occasion I'm not certain of the reason) and on my way back, T told me that a gentleman was waiting for me at the front to thank me for my service. I did not think much of it, simply said "ok" and went back to the front. I saw the gentleman standing by the dessert cabinet, not too certain either if he looked impatient or not (it happened fairly quickly). I popped my head out, greeting the man and without another second to pass, he says "thank you", places in paper in my hand and walks away while I say an automatic "thank you, sir" back. I looked into my hand and I saw that he gave me a $50 bill...

(retrieved from google.com.au)

I just stared at it for a while. 

The barista asked if he just gave me a $50 bill, and I just nodded my head, showed her the bill and ask, "Should I keep it or put it on the plate?". She said it was my choice. I placed it on the plate. L (male) saw what I placed on the tip plate, picked up and stretched it out in the air with both arms asking "is this for real?" with such a loud exclamation. We all laughed.
I was amazed. That is a very unusually large tip to give, and for a table of three, that is extremely gracious.
These people weren't difficult, their orders were fairly simple, and I didn't serve them completely. I took their orders, L set them up and gave their orders, I cleaned out and asked if they wanted anything else. And that was that.

I couldn't get over it. Not even over it now.

Another thing to be grateful for.
Amazing. So amazing.

Sick Days

I've probably had a couple of flu episodes here and there, but last weekend was the worst I have had any kind of sickness, and it fell on the weekend, the days I usually have to work to actually live!

(retrieved via google.com.au)

Well, anyways, it started...
Friday afternoon: body malaise, feeling feverish
Friday night (working at the bar, my last shift there): body malaise worsened towards the end of the night, feeling feverish, on and off contracting headache then progressed to light-headedness
Saturday morning to afternoon: official fever (38.3 Celsius; never got a temp. this high back home), throat and neck pain, slight ringing in the ear, bad body malaise, feeling like crap
Saturday afternoon to evening: fever went down to 36.1 (hurray!) then went back up to 38.3 (boo!), and all the pain and hurt as above
Sunday: fever still going up and down, same pain and hurt, feeling like crap trampled on by a horse
Monday morning to afternoon: fever still going up and down but not as extreme as the day before, rest are the same as above, feeling like crap left alone by the horse
Monday afternoon to evening: highest fever reading ever 38.9 in the evening, but settled down to around 37 late at night, pain and body malaise improved

The most annoying part was the fever going up and down, up and down, up and down; and feeling like crap; and ... feeling like crap. It would have been fun to stay at home and bum for the heck of it, but nope. I just had to.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

Saw a doctor on Monday (the GPs here are not that.. accomodating or... nice.), it was apparently just a really really bad tonsilitis (infection of the tonsils). Figured that since I did everything EXCEPT get antibiotics (since I can't without a script). So yep. That's that. Interesting weekend. It really reminded me to be grateful 'bout my health.

So, kids out there, don't eat too much sweets... Or you'll end up with pustules on your tonsils as big as... peanuts.