Heart or Mind Loop?

I’ve been in a total loop in relation to my feelings towards PJ. Literally. One day I tell myself to give it a chance and let things happen. The next moment, I’m telling him that I’ve got issues, damaged and unsure of my own self-worth and that it won’t work out between us because it has been difficult as it is. My mind has been looping around in circles over and over again.

Before I got together with my ex, my mind went in loops too: uncertainties, questioning my self-worth and if the risk was necessary. But a friend I became close with, who was a close friend of his as well, asked, begged, me to give his friend a chance: “Don’t run away from it this time.”

(retrieved via google.com.au)

He was aware of my history of running when things got 'too' close or 'involved'. The biggest example of that was my ‘prom blues’. And since then, from such a big scar, even the smallest risk of opening it up again just made me inch away and run. I took the chance because of the push and was with my ex for close to two-years.

PJ is different, that’s for certain, but the situation and my ‘loops’ are almost the same. Although I am acting 'more demanding' because I have ‘standards’, then I question myself if I even have the right to have such standards, and if I even had the capabilities to meet his. It's more of the fact that we have such different cultures that 'courting' is viewed and approached in such a different manner.

I think I just scared him off with my message of this whole emotional 'debate' (a summary of this in a way), where in the end I said “Run away while you still can, PJ”. The conversation actually came out of the blue. I brought it out of the blue when we were just discussing about whether we would meet up for a movie tomorrow.

The week before, we agreed to watch a movie as well. Near his place because he still had a meeting at the university and I had more time to travel than he did, for us to catch the movie. On that same day, I got the job offer and it was supposed to serve as a little celebration. I was meant to spend it with my brother and J (they texted me after PJ asked me, so I told them I had plans but was willing to cancel it for them. They told me we could do it the next day, which we did.). PJ assured me that it wouldn’t be a hassle at all and that he could meet me for the movie.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

I waited at the food court near the cinemas (his place/suburb is about an hour long travel from where I live, but I agreed to do so because of his university meeting). Our agreed time to meet was at 7pm; I arrived at 630 because of the bus schedule, but ended up waiting for an hour and a half for him because his meeting ran longer than expected. I wasn’t too happy. I was shocked and amazed and ecstatic from the good news and wanted to celebrate it with those who matter the most. His invitation came first so I accepted, but while waiting for him, I became mad because I could have been celebrating an important stepping stone in my life with my family. I’ve never been that mad and disappointed with him before. He finally came around and I saw he was genuinely guilty, but the whole night it was clear that he didn’t know what to do to completely make it up to me. He made me laugh, gave me a big hug, but towards the end, acted like nothing happened. It didn’t feel completely ‘off my shoulder’ after that.

Hence why when he asked about a movie date tomorrow, I teased about whether he would really show up. We joked. We tried to plan, then those thoughts of trust and self-worth came in and I opened it up to him initially by asking “aren’t you getting tired or frustrated with me yet?”, in a joking manner.

Then I stumbled upon this song…

“Near to You” performed by A Fine Frenzy.

Excerpt:

“He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be”

I am happy with him when we’re physically together; when we talk and laugh with each other, in each other’s company. The lyrics that talk of moving so slowly (about getting over my ex) and trying to become the person I used to be, those completely described how I feel and it was amazing that I found the words of my emotions through this song. I am not too certain, or maybe unwilling to accept, that maybe he is making me better by being with him. And that I'm still finding my way back to who I used to be: less bitter, lighter, happier? So uncertain… But I’m starting to believe though that it may be too late now, after sending the message to run away from me. Funny.

On a positive note: the song is beautiful and it was amazing to stumble upon it by accident to find that it described what I needed to put into words.