Ending with a Heartache

The emotions involved in saying good bye to the 'idea' of PJ caught me off guard. I expected it to be easy; I had no initial attachments to him. He was simply a 'distraction' or a source of company. But as the months passed where we slowly connected and an attachment formed, at this stage, letting go seems harder than ever. I did not expect the ache to come when I see his friend (girl) leave a message on his wall (he has feelings for her) or his life going on without me (yes, facebook stalking; pathetic).

It hurts more knowing, or thinking, that I wasn't good enough to be liked. I wasn't pretty enough; nice enough; smart enough; funny enough; etc. When something is broken, I can't help but take the blame for the crumbling of a wasted friendship.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

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These are the words I’d like to say to him, but never will…

“Hi…

We began unexpectedly, playful, with no plans of the future, no sense or thought. Then slowly we didn’t know what to do that we slowly became to simply be. Then things became complicated in my life, stress and anxiety building up as the weeks went on towards the end of my program. And without my awareness, I became bitter, kept on complaining and rambling, and I hate to admit it, I think I became clingy too. Expecting things from my past to be present in what we had, and I know now this is my biggest mistake. I shouldn’t have let myself get close to anyone when my wounds and memories of my past relationship were still fresh. I’m sorry you had to be the person to experience it. I am getting better now; slowly returning to who I really am, without the constant pressures and deadlines. I wish you could know ‘this’ part of me. But then again, I don’t know if it would make a difference at all.

My guilt falls mainly on the fact that you were catching my blows of steam from a difficult part of my life, and I can see clearly that you are tired of it. Sad thing I guess is that now that you’re getting tired of me, I’m slowly becoming a ‘lighter’ me. Or maybe I’m just making excuses for not handling my own life accordingly or properly. I obviously like you, despite my past reassurances to friends that you were simply a ‘distraction’ or an enjoyable company.

I know you still have feeling for the last girl you chased after, she is gorgeous and such a match for you. I wish you the best in that. I’d simply like to say I’m sorry you were a victim in my time of ‘survival’ and I wish I’d have the chance to ‘re-introduce’ myself, but I know it is not possible. I’m quite certain you will never talk to me again, being the nice guy you are, you would rather let it be than hurt me directly.

Thank you for the efforts you have shown, the time you have spent and the company you have provided. It was great. I wish you the best. Have a great life.”

(Side Note: In truth, this whole thing might be me over-analyzing things and doing self-pity on myself… But I still need to change; I know I can be better. At least I'm partially realistic? But yes, still hurts.)

New Year, New Me

2011 is coming to a close and in this holiday season, I had time to reflect and 'refresh' my total self, especially with my famliy around to remind me who I am.

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My time throughout the weeks and months were focused not on myself, but on other things and sometimes on other people. Supporting a depressed friend or planning little outings for the group when possible.  Moments when it was about me was when I was eating, probably the reason why I gained so much weight, because I viewed it as a 'treat' to myself, rather than other manners of 'rewarding' myself, such as exercising, reading, even just going to a new park or place. My 'personal time' was eating. I had no balance and I did not take control of my own life.

This year needs to be different. I need to take control of myself. My time, my efforts, my emotions.

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And with that said, here are the following 'plans' for the coming year:

a      Lose Weight Be Healthy

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Weight loss as a goal has never really been a great method to inspire yourself to go for it. For me, I think the bigger motivation would be to be healthier. The past months, I haven’t had any exercise besides work and working from place to place, and my diet is horrible (muffins, cakes, ice creams, etc). Not great. Being healthy would entail finding and sticking to a form of exercise that works for my schedule and also adapting an eating habit that is good for my body yet gives me contentment.

Diet: plain and simple -> more vegetables, more fruits, less oil and sugar

Exercise: Sister’s hubby suggested pilates (can be done at home and stretches the muscles, which I need); swimming (nearby community swimming pool); gym (paying gym membership); dance classes (contemporary or hip-hop).

An upside as well with these choices is that it will provide me a platform to meet people (hopefully) and socialize (especially with my friends going to different places and others simply disappearing).

b.      Focus: Me

Baby steps.
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The year has been spent balancing and surviving. This year, it’s obviously clear that I need to focus on myself and get to know myself again as an individual: my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths, my ticks and my comforts.

After my break up with my long time boyfriend, I can’t deny that I sought out attention from others too quickly, but after this rejection from PJ, looking and wanting men has not been appealing anymore. More rather, it’s scary and hurtful; scared of another rejection and feeling the unworthiness of being attracted to. When given that little bit of attention, I reply without any ‘add-ons’; a simple answer to their question.

With this, it’s a further push for me to focus on ‘who’ and ‘what’ I am on my own.

It’s still hurting and I guess it’s self-inflicted too, but I guess it’s the necessary pain to drive me to move forward and become better.

So, those are my goals. Not a full grocery list as others, just two simple yet heavy goals for the year. It’s better to work on one or two to perfection, than a whole set with only half-baked results.

Project for the first six months: Apartment

It’s my own space and my first as an independent person with my personal finances too. I will slowly build up the place and set my ‘signature’ into my own little piece of the world.

Next six months: To Be Announced (when I actually think of something.)

And that’s it. That is what is to come for the year 2012.

It’s going to be MY year. I can’t wait for my transformation. It’ll be hard and difficult but great in the end. Positive thinking; positive outcome.

Watch and see. 

Breathing Time

It is finally holiday time for me!

Registration is in. Visa will be processed in the start of the new year. Apartment is waiting, just need to fill it up with stuff and love. And most importantly, family is here to celebrate this merry season.

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Months of stress, anxiety, frustration and even depression; and, with family around, I am becoming who I am again. Before the stress, laughing more and enjoy life a little bit more. And with all this 'rejuvinating' (for lack of a better word), I'm getting some perspective too. About my own life, my approach to things, even to the manner I've been handling relationships and people. Without my family here, I doubt I would have been able to reach such a conclusion. I was myself again, I understood who I was in the family and noticed the difference during the past months and the few days.

Realizations...

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Me:

This year was spent on adjusting to this new country; suriving and balancing university load and working hours. I didn't know who I was as an individual: without my family and friends; without the foundation I grew up with. Simply an individual. And it was a confusing process when you're overwhelmed by other things.

Him:

When dating guys, I focused on what was normal from my own country, forgetting that I was in a completely different country that runs on a different culture. It caused so much confusion and frustration that I did not understand. (Sad thing: I still hurt.)

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With these realizations come goals and plans for a new me...

(Next blog)

Alone again

The title is harsh and I know I do have people in my life, but in this little post, I'm referring to a partner in this chapter of my life to be with.

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During graduation, no family.
And now, no partner to hang around with and share affection with. Yes, no more PJ.
And for tomorrow's family BBQ (family is arriving tom), no friends to represent 'my side' because they're all busy or too shy. Again, no one to represent.

So yeah. I'm alone again.
My heart opened up for a new man, but pushed away to prioritize their own life.
I guess I always knew it to end this way, and I did want him to end it for me, but the pain can never be avoided. Yeah, it does hurt.

I want to cry but the tears won't come out after I held it in the whole bus trip home. I got his text a couple of minutes before I got on the bus.

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Alone again.
Chubbier. Unstable. Struggling.
On my own again.

I need to believe that I can do this on my own. Need to know who I am on my own.
Easier said than done.

Graduation - Take 2!

On December 13, 2011, a Tuesday afternoon, I graduated from my second Nursing course and came out a Registered Nurse of Australia. The months of late nights and early mornings, stress eating, re-memorizing notes and lectures, emotional roller coasters, anxiety, depression and homesickness… is finally over (for now). Looking back, it seemed to have passed so quickly, but I remember being in the moments where I couldn’t understand the dragging days. It has completely been a new experience, stepping out of my comfort zone, my home, and finding myself struggling but learning on how to be on my own.

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I am so grateful that I have reached this far and still continue on to what lies ahead. Grateful to a God who watches over us all; for a family who has provided me support in their little ways; for friends being loyal through their encouraging words; for new people in my life who have made living here a little more bearable than what it was in the start; and for a clinical lecturer who helped me in so many ways in my career. A giant humongous ginormous ‘thank you’ to you all.

But I know it doesn’t end here…

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As the new chapter begins, I will need to study on specific matters, be fluent in my new field and continue to grow to become a better person with a dream that will be realized. To achieve little changes in the world and practice my passion (be it nursing, baking, business or things that may come my way) and find my happiness or point of contentment.

I know that my biggest difficulty will be managing my finances, as is evident in my present circumstance. But I have learned and understood a couple of things, and I’m slowly grasping habits and manners that will help me be able to be firm and conscious of what comes in and out of my pockets.

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The holiday season is upon us! My whole family will be here on Sunday and I am surprisingly excited to see everyone and be in one zip code again.

I got a confirmation and approval for a unit, so… I now have my own place! Well, technically around the end of January, I will. So the next step in that department is to hunt around for cheap basic appliances and of course, money to finance the bond, rent and other things to go into this new place. (AHA! Another hunt! Appliance/furniture-hunting!)

PJ and I are still unclear. I don’t know what I really feel for him or why I’m still waiting around. Other did confirm though that cultures are just different, but I’m not sure if knowing this make things better. We’ll see how it goes.

At this moment, I don’t have as much weight on my shoulder, I can enjoy a little bit more, scared for what is to come, but excited to see my family.

That’s it for now. 

Next Step: Abode

The next step in this journey is… to find my own place.

I’ve already signed and passed in my contract to the hospital, so technically I’m already employed but not starting until the first week of February. Even attended orientation and had a uniform fitting.

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Little requirements for the next visa are in progress, such as a private health insurance and a superannuation account. I won’t be able to put in my application until the hospital gives me the nomination number, so that won’t be for awhile.

So that leads me to looking for an apartment to rent for the year/s to come.

Something by miracle did happen though.

The educational agent (helped me through the process of getting into the university) gave my e-mail address to one of his new clients. She later realized that I was a good friend of her younger sister! We’ve started to communicate via Facebook and have agreed that it would be a great opportunity to share an accommodation together. We would feel comfortable knowing we are from the same little island and understand each other’s culture; we both graduated from the same college; and we’re both girls! It was funny too, because a couple of days before this, I was telling a friend that I wished I knew someone whom I could share a place with instead of having to live with strangers.

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Here comes the difficult part: money.

To pay for the bond, rent, start-up appliances, equipments, and necessities of a house. It is clearly obvious that there will be a lot of spending and that is the biggest stressor of my life at the moment. My finance is still not at a level I could describe to be ‘comfortable’ (far from it actually). For now, the best thing I could do is look for bargains and free things (if possible) to put into the apartment. I am only interested in the basic things; no need for the comforts of modern life at this stage.

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I have seen a couple of apartments so far and with a budget like mine; a couple of them aren’t the greatest looking places. It’s quite humorous actually. Another thing that adds to the comedy: when I call in or sending in my application for a decent looking place and the person would tell me “Oh. I’m sorry, that property has just been leased yesterday/this morning.”

Yes. Apartment-hunting is frustrating.

But the search must go on…

Wish me luck and pray for me.

Side-note: I’ve been doing a lot of ‘hunts’, haven’t I? From job-hunting to apartment-hunting. What next?

First Concert in my Life

Music, in my opinion, is one of the most important things to keep you happy and sane in life. It’s the universal language; a common ground where people can enjoy themselves without speaking each other’s native tongue. It soothes you when you’re down; it expresses what you cannot express in your own words. It’s universal; it’s love; it’s music.

So, with that said…

In my (insert number) years of existence, I finally watched my first live concert last night. I couldn’t have picked a better band than FOO FIGHTERS to pop my “concert-cherry”; they did not disappoint at all. An added bonus to that was that the opening act was Tenacious D!

(It's the ticket!)

The whole show was spectacular! The stage set-up was great; lights and visuals were amazing with spinning over-head screens and par lights that moved; screens showing a live close-up feed that was crystal clear. And, most importantly, the musicians were simply amazing, truly talented and downright funny ass people. They entertained the crowd so easily, appealing to the rock fans with their words and sense of humor. I was a teenage girl again experiencing something so new and amazing for the first time. It was amazing that in the first few minutes of the show, I was still in shock that I was only a few hundred meters from these musicians I have grown up with loving and praising.

(Tenacious D, the opening act.  They are f*cking hilarious and talented!)

It was a full moon that night and had little showers here and there, but the crowd kept rocking and the songs kept coming. The song list was perfectly planned out, alternating and mixing up their new and old songs. Dave Grohl has been in the scene for 17 years now but he still continues to write and create such amazing songs that aren’t superficial, cliché or redundant; and that just shows what a truly amazing and talented person he is. So good, so good.

As the night was nearing its end, the one song I was hoping to play didn’t come out and my spirits were falling (very slightly), but the oh so familiar riff started to play, the crowd went wild and I couldn’t help but shout out ‘H*ll yes! Thank you!’, threw my arms out and started to completely go with the beats and rhythms.

(Dave Grohl rocking out!)

I could not stop saying “thank you, thank you” in my head and silently whispering it; I couldn’t help but feel so grateful to be able to be in that concert to begin with and to watch them perform live. I am grateful; so grateful.

Amazing, amazing, amazing!