Ending with a Heartache

The emotions involved in saying good bye to the 'idea' of PJ caught me off guard. I expected it to be easy; I had no initial attachments to him. He was simply a 'distraction' or a source of company. But as the months passed where we slowly connected and an attachment formed, at this stage, letting go seems harder than ever. I did not expect the ache to come when I see his friend (girl) leave a message on his wall (he has feelings for her) or his life going on without me (yes, facebook stalking; pathetic).

It hurts more knowing, or thinking, that I wasn't good enough to be liked. I wasn't pretty enough; nice enough; smart enough; funny enough; etc. When something is broken, I can't help but take the blame for the crumbling of a wasted friendship.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

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These are the words I’d like to say to him, but never will…

“Hi…

We began unexpectedly, playful, with no plans of the future, no sense or thought. Then slowly we didn’t know what to do that we slowly became to simply be. Then things became complicated in my life, stress and anxiety building up as the weeks went on towards the end of my program. And without my awareness, I became bitter, kept on complaining and rambling, and I hate to admit it, I think I became clingy too. Expecting things from my past to be present in what we had, and I know now this is my biggest mistake. I shouldn’t have let myself get close to anyone when my wounds and memories of my past relationship were still fresh. I’m sorry you had to be the person to experience it. I am getting better now; slowly returning to who I really am, without the constant pressures and deadlines. I wish you could know ‘this’ part of me. But then again, I don’t know if it would make a difference at all.

My guilt falls mainly on the fact that you were catching my blows of steam from a difficult part of my life, and I can see clearly that you are tired of it. Sad thing I guess is that now that you’re getting tired of me, I’m slowly becoming a ‘lighter’ me. Or maybe I’m just making excuses for not handling my own life accordingly or properly. I obviously like you, despite my past reassurances to friends that you were simply a ‘distraction’ or an enjoyable company.

I know you still have feeling for the last girl you chased after, she is gorgeous and such a match for you. I wish you the best in that. I’d simply like to say I’m sorry you were a victim in my time of ‘survival’ and I wish I’d have the chance to ‘re-introduce’ myself, but I know it is not possible. I’m quite certain you will never talk to me again, being the nice guy you are, you would rather let it be than hurt me directly.

Thank you for the efforts you have shown, the time you have spent and the company you have provided. It was great. I wish you the best. Have a great life.”

(Side Note: In truth, this whole thing might be me over-analyzing things and doing self-pity on myself… But I still need to change; I know I can be better. At least I'm partially realistic? But yes, still hurts.)