Ending with a Heartache

The emotions involved in saying good bye to the 'idea' of PJ caught me off guard. I expected it to be easy; I had no initial attachments to him. He was simply a 'distraction' or a source of company. But as the months passed where we slowly connected and an attachment formed, at this stage, letting go seems harder than ever. I did not expect the ache to come when I see his friend (girl) leave a message on his wall (he has feelings for her) or his life going on without me (yes, facebook stalking; pathetic).

It hurts more knowing, or thinking, that I wasn't good enough to be liked. I wasn't pretty enough; nice enough; smart enough; funny enough; etc. When something is broken, I can't help but take the blame for the crumbling of a wasted friendship.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

---------------------------------------------

These are the words I’d like to say to him, but never will…

“Hi…

We began unexpectedly, playful, with no plans of the future, no sense or thought. Then slowly we didn’t know what to do that we slowly became to simply be. Then things became complicated in my life, stress and anxiety building up as the weeks went on towards the end of my program. And without my awareness, I became bitter, kept on complaining and rambling, and I hate to admit it, I think I became clingy too. Expecting things from my past to be present in what we had, and I know now this is my biggest mistake. I shouldn’t have let myself get close to anyone when my wounds and memories of my past relationship were still fresh. I’m sorry you had to be the person to experience it. I am getting better now; slowly returning to who I really am, without the constant pressures and deadlines. I wish you could know ‘this’ part of me. But then again, I don’t know if it would make a difference at all.

My guilt falls mainly on the fact that you were catching my blows of steam from a difficult part of my life, and I can see clearly that you are tired of it. Sad thing I guess is that now that you’re getting tired of me, I’m slowly becoming a ‘lighter’ me. Or maybe I’m just making excuses for not handling my own life accordingly or properly. I obviously like you, despite my past reassurances to friends that you were simply a ‘distraction’ or an enjoyable company.

I know you still have feeling for the last girl you chased after, she is gorgeous and such a match for you. I wish you the best in that. I’d simply like to say I’m sorry you were a victim in my time of ‘survival’ and I wish I’d have the chance to ‘re-introduce’ myself, but I know it is not possible. I’m quite certain you will never talk to me again, being the nice guy you are, you would rather let it be than hurt me directly.

Thank you for the efforts you have shown, the time you have spent and the company you have provided. It was great. I wish you the best. Have a great life.”

(Side Note: In truth, this whole thing might be me over-analyzing things and doing self-pity on myself… But I still need to change; I know I can be better. At least I'm partially realistic? But yes, still hurts.)

New Year, New Me

2011 is coming to a close and in this holiday season, I had time to reflect and 'refresh' my total self, especially with my famliy around to remind me who I am.

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My time throughout the weeks and months were focused not on myself, but on other things and sometimes on other people. Supporting a depressed friend or planning little outings for the group when possible.  Moments when it was about me was when I was eating, probably the reason why I gained so much weight, because I viewed it as a 'treat' to myself, rather than other manners of 'rewarding' myself, such as exercising, reading, even just going to a new park or place. My 'personal time' was eating. I had no balance and I did not take control of my own life.

This year needs to be different. I need to take control of myself. My time, my efforts, my emotions.

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And with that said, here are the following 'plans' for the coming year:

a      Lose Weight Be Healthy

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Weight loss as a goal has never really been a great method to inspire yourself to go for it. For me, I think the bigger motivation would be to be healthier. The past months, I haven’t had any exercise besides work and working from place to place, and my diet is horrible (muffins, cakes, ice creams, etc). Not great. Being healthy would entail finding and sticking to a form of exercise that works for my schedule and also adapting an eating habit that is good for my body yet gives me contentment.

Diet: plain and simple -> more vegetables, more fruits, less oil and sugar

Exercise: Sister’s hubby suggested pilates (can be done at home and stretches the muscles, which I need); swimming (nearby community swimming pool); gym (paying gym membership); dance classes (contemporary or hip-hop).

An upside as well with these choices is that it will provide me a platform to meet people (hopefully) and socialize (especially with my friends going to different places and others simply disappearing).

b.      Focus: Me

Baby steps.
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The year has been spent balancing and surviving. This year, it’s obviously clear that I need to focus on myself and get to know myself again as an individual: my flaws, my weaknesses, my strengths, my ticks and my comforts.

After my break up with my long time boyfriend, I can’t deny that I sought out attention from others too quickly, but after this rejection from PJ, looking and wanting men has not been appealing anymore. More rather, it’s scary and hurtful; scared of another rejection and feeling the unworthiness of being attracted to. When given that little bit of attention, I reply without any ‘add-ons’; a simple answer to their question.

With this, it’s a further push for me to focus on ‘who’ and ‘what’ I am on my own.

It’s still hurting and I guess it’s self-inflicted too, but I guess it’s the necessary pain to drive me to move forward and become better.

So, those are my goals. Not a full grocery list as others, just two simple yet heavy goals for the year. It’s better to work on one or two to perfection, than a whole set with only half-baked results.

Project for the first six months: Apartment

It’s my own space and my first as an independent person with my personal finances too. I will slowly build up the place and set my ‘signature’ into my own little piece of the world.

Next six months: To Be Announced (when I actually think of something.)

And that’s it. That is what is to come for the year 2012.

It’s going to be MY year. I can’t wait for my transformation. It’ll be hard and difficult but great in the end. Positive thinking; positive outcome.

Watch and see. 

Breathing Time

It is finally holiday time for me!

Registration is in. Visa will be processed in the start of the new year. Apartment is waiting, just need to fill it up with stuff and love. And most importantly, family is here to celebrate this merry season.

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Months of stress, anxiety, frustration and even depression; and, with family around, I am becoming who I am again. Before the stress, laughing more and enjoy life a little bit more. And with all this 'rejuvinating' (for lack of a better word), I'm getting some perspective too. About my own life, my approach to things, even to the manner I've been handling relationships and people. Without my family here, I doubt I would have been able to reach such a conclusion. I was myself again, I understood who I was in the family and noticed the difference during the past months and the few days.

Realizations...

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Me:

This year was spent on adjusting to this new country; suriving and balancing university load and working hours. I didn't know who I was as an individual: without my family and friends; without the foundation I grew up with. Simply an individual. And it was a confusing process when you're overwhelmed by other things.

Him:

When dating guys, I focused on what was normal from my own country, forgetting that I was in a completely different country that runs on a different culture. It caused so much confusion and frustration that I did not understand. (Sad thing: I still hurt.)

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With these realizations come goals and plans for a new me...

(Next blog)

Alone again

The title is harsh and I know I do have people in my life, but in this little post, I'm referring to a partner in this chapter of my life to be with.

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During graduation, no family.
And now, no partner to hang around with and share affection with. Yes, no more PJ.
And for tomorrow's family BBQ (family is arriving tom), no friends to represent 'my side' because they're all busy or too shy. Again, no one to represent.

So yeah. I'm alone again.
My heart opened up for a new man, but pushed away to prioritize their own life.
I guess I always knew it to end this way, and I did want him to end it for me, but the pain can never be avoided. Yeah, it does hurt.

I want to cry but the tears won't come out after I held it in the whole bus trip home. I got his text a couple of minutes before I got on the bus.

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Alone again.
Chubbier. Unstable. Struggling.
On my own again.

I need to believe that I can do this on my own. Need to know who I am on my own.
Easier said than done.

Graduation - Take 2!

On December 13, 2011, a Tuesday afternoon, I graduated from my second Nursing course and came out a Registered Nurse of Australia. The months of late nights and early mornings, stress eating, re-memorizing notes and lectures, emotional roller coasters, anxiety, depression and homesickness… is finally over (for now). Looking back, it seemed to have passed so quickly, but I remember being in the moments where I couldn’t understand the dragging days. It has completely been a new experience, stepping out of my comfort zone, my home, and finding myself struggling but learning on how to be on my own.

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I am so grateful that I have reached this far and still continue on to what lies ahead. Grateful to a God who watches over us all; for a family who has provided me support in their little ways; for friends being loyal through their encouraging words; for new people in my life who have made living here a little more bearable than what it was in the start; and for a clinical lecturer who helped me in so many ways in my career. A giant humongous ginormous ‘thank you’ to you all.

But I know it doesn’t end here…

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As the new chapter begins, I will need to study on specific matters, be fluent in my new field and continue to grow to become a better person with a dream that will be realized. To achieve little changes in the world and practice my passion (be it nursing, baking, business or things that may come my way) and find my happiness or point of contentment.

I know that my biggest difficulty will be managing my finances, as is evident in my present circumstance. But I have learned and understood a couple of things, and I’m slowly grasping habits and manners that will help me be able to be firm and conscious of what comes in and out of my pockets.

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The holiday season is upon us! My whole family will be here on Sunday and I am surprisingly excited to see everyone and be in one zip code again.

I got a confirmation and approval for a unit, so… I now have my own place! Well, technically around the end of January, I will. So the next step in that department is to hunt around for cheap basic appliances and of course, money to finance the bond, rent and other things to go into this new place. (AHA! Another hunt! Appliance/furniture-hunting!)

PJ and I are still unclear. I don’t know what I really feel for him or why I’m still waiting around. Other did confirm though that cultures are just different, but I’m not sure if knowing this make things better. We’ll see how it goes.

At this moment, I don’t have as much weight on my shoulder, I can enjoy a little bit more, scared for what is to come, but excited to see my family.

That’s it for now. 

Next Step: Abode

The next step in this journey is… to find my own place.

I’ve already signed and passed in my contract to the hospital, so technically I’m already employed but not starting until the first week of February. Even attended orientation and had a uniform fitting.

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Little requirements for the next visa are in progress, such as a private health insurance and a superannuation account. I won’t be able to put in my application until the hospital gives me the nomination number, so that won’t be for awhile.

So that leads me to looking for an apartment to rent for the year/s to come.

Something by miracle did happen though.

The educational agent (helped me through the process of getting into the university) gave my e-mail address to one of his new clients. She later realized that I was a good friend of her younger sister! We’ve started to communicate via Facebook and have agreed that it would be a great opportunity to share an accommodation together. We would feel comfortable knowing we are from the same little island and understand each other’s culture; we both graduated from the same college; and we’re both girls! It was funny too, because a couple of days before this, I was telling a friend that I wished I knew someone whom I could share a place with instead of having to live with strangers.

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Here comes the difficult part: money.

To pay for the bond, rent, start-up appliances, equipments, and necessities of a house. It is clearly obvious that there will be a lot of spending and that is the biggest stressor of my life at the moment. My finance is still not at a level I could describe to be ‘comfortable’ (far from it actually). For now, the best thing I could do is look for bargains and free things (if possible) to put into the apartment. I am only interested in the basic things; no need for the comforts of modern life at this stage.

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I have seen a couple of apartments so far and with a budget like mine; a couple of them aren’t the greatest looking places. It’s quite humorous actually. Another thing that adds to the comedy: when I call in or sending in my application for a decent looking place and the person would tell me “Oh. I’m sorry, that property has just been leased yesterday/this morning.”

Yes. Apartment-hunting is frustrating.

But the search must go on…

Wish me luck and pray for me.

Side-note: I’ve been doing a lot of ‘hunts’, haven’t I? From job-hunting to apartment-hunting. What next?

First Concert in my Life

Music, in my opinion, is one of the most important things to keep you happy and sane in life. It’s the universal language; a common ground where people can enjoy themselves without speaking each other’s native tongue. It soothes you when you’re down; it expresses what you cannot express in your own words. It’s universal; it’s love; it’s music.

So, with that said…

In my (insert number) years of existence, I finally watched my first live concert last night. I couldn’t have picked a better band than FOO FIGHTERS to pop my “concert-cherry”; they did not disappoint at all. An added bonus to that was that the opening act was Tenacious D!

(It's the ticket!)

The whole show was spectacular! The stage set-up was great; lights and visuals were amazing with spinning over-head screens and par lights that moved; screens showing a live close-up feed that was crystal clear. And, most importantly, the musicians were simply amazing, truly talented and downright funny ass people. They entertained the crowd so easily, appealing to the rock fans with their words and sense of humor. I was a teenage girl again experiencing something so new and amazing for the first time. It was amazing that in the first few minutes of the show, I was still in shock that I was only a few hundred meters from these musicians I have grown up with loving and praising.

(Tenacious D, the opening act.  They are f*cking hilarious and talented!)

It was a full moon that night and had little showers here and there, but the crowd kept rocking and the songs kept coming. The song list was perfectly planned out, alternating and mixing up their new and old songs. Dave Grohl has been in the scene for 17 years now but he still continues to write and create such amazing songs that aren’t superficial, cliché or redundant; and that just shows what a truly amazing and talented person he is. So good, so good.

As the night was nearing its end, the one song I was hoping to play didn’t come out and my spirits were falling (very slightly), but the oh so familiar riff started to play, the crowd went wild and I couldn’t help but shout out ‘H*ll yes! Thank you!’, threw my arms out and started to completely go with the beats and rhythms.

(Dave Grohl rocking out!)

I could not stop saying “thank you, thank you” in my head and silently whispering it; I couldn’t help but feel so grateful to be able to be in that concert to begin with and to watch them perform live. I am grateful; so grateful.

Amazing, amazing, amazing!

Waiting for the Next Step

Exams are over and now, I’m simply waiting…

Waiting for the results of the exams, papers for nomination, for the results of the nomination, to be able to send out a visa application, for plans to be ‘set in stone’ or at least clear to what my future holds, and waiting to… adapt to this life.

It is amazing how time goes by so quickly when you look back, but so slowly when you look forward. The Christmas season is around the corner, as well as graduation (God willing that my grades are enough to pass my subjects) and then employment as a Registered Nurse.

One step at a time…

I’m scared about working at the unit as it usually hires experienced nurses and as it is a specialty area, I know I have to make sure that I am at least equipped with enough knowledge to survive. I need to survive, to strive, and show them that I am a hard worker so no regret shall ever pass their mind of hiring me. I know that the biggest contribution to my employment is my Clinical Preceptor and I don’t want to disappoint her.

Does add a bit of pressure on the whole thing, doesn’t it?

Things with PJ: we’re going to try it for one last time. We’ve been disagreeing and always saying that we should just try it one more time but this is the last. And we’re both aware of it. It’s just different, being with him and him being from another culture. But we shall just have to see.

I swam for the first time today since I’ve arrived; since I last swam back home, which was with my ex. It was relieving to know that I can still swim, and I realized as well is that what held me back from swimming was that he wasn’t there with me. At the end of laps, I couldn’t help but smile. To be doing something familiar again, and of course good for myself. And then I couldn’t help but remember the other times that I have swam, little memories attached to them and of course the people I was with. Just one of the moments where my head takes me back to some memories of the things I don’t have any more, but they are simply flashbacks and I let them be.

I've been wanting to bake and do small craft projects here and there, but I won't allow myself to because I know that I have to save money for the next step. Will only allow myself for the Christmas gifts that need to be sent out later on. Little sacrifices.

So I’m waiting for my life to slowly piece together and to form a foundation I can stand on as I continue to build my life here. My license as a nurse, employment in an amazing hospital and wonderful unit, rental of a room to save up cash for my own place, and the little bits that are still coming together (friends, comforts).

I’m so grateful and I want to, need to keep pushing on and wait and do what I need to build on this dream and life.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Final Exam Week of the Year

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It’s finally exam week! Not that I was looking forward to it with glee or happy thoughts, but it marks the coming of an end to the program and all that we have been working towards. Been cramming the past days with lectures and notes I have left neglected due to past days filled to complete hospital hours; and on the top of that, still working at the restaurant with more shifts than the usual. Everything is going alright though. I feel the stress and pressure, but I guess things could have gone worse? Positive thinking. Positive thinking.

Sadly though, I have also found out today that there’s been a problem with my ‘job offer’: they were not aware that they had to sponsor me for me to work with them! I am more than 100% sure I mentioned it to the unit manager even before we planned for the interview and her words were “that is alright, we’ll work it out after”. So, I talked to the human resource department this morning and I was instructed to talk to immigration first if I needed a nomination and talk to the unit manager to get her approval of whether she would like to hire me under a sponsorship or not. Panic! Pressure! 

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The excitement from getting a job offer slightly decreased (I say slightly because I’m still grateful that they offered me the job in the first place, even if it isn’t a complete offer now). I will do all that the HR officer has instructed me and hope and pray that everything works out.

If not, I know there’s a reason and that God has better plans for me.

Funny enough, I did get a call back from a hospital in NSW about my application to their graduate nurse program and scheduled an interview with them next week. I guess that’s a blessing in disguise too. I’m very grateful just to have options, although I guess it’s right to say they are not concrete options since no offer has been made, just the opportunity. But it’s still a great thing to know. Gives a bit of comfort I guess.

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Things are still very unstable and the future is still unclear, but as the phrase I continue to repeat over and over again: I am hoping and praying for the best.

Wish me luck with exams! 

Note: In the title of this post, I say "Final Exam Week of the Year", because I'm not closing my mind to the possibility of studying again in the future. Ooo... 

Heart or Mind Loop?

I’ve been in a total loop in relation to my feelings towards PJ. Literally. One day I tell myself to give it a chance and let things happen. The next moment, I’m telling him that I’ve got issues, damaged and unsure of my own self-worth and that it won’t work out between us because it has been difficult as it is. My mind has been looping around in circles over and over again.

Before I got together with my ex, my mind went in loops too: uncertainties, questioning my self-worth and if the risk was necessary. But a friend I became close with, who was a close friend of his as well, asked, begged, me to give his friend a chance: “Don’t run away from it this time.”

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He was aware of my history of running when things got 'too' close or 'involved'. The biggest example of that was my ‘prom blues’. And since then, from such a big scar, even the smallest risk of opening it up again just made me inch away and run. I took the chance because of the push and was with my ex for close to two-years.

PJ is different, that’s for certain, but the situation and my ‘loops’ are almost the same. Although I am acting 'more demanding' because I have ‘standards’, then I question myself if I even have the right to have such standards, and if I even had the capabilities to meet his. It's more of the fact that we have such different cultures that 'courting' is viewed and approached in such a different manner.

I think I just scared him off with my message of this whole emotional 'debate' (a summary of this in a way), where in the end I said “Run away while you still can, PJ”. The conversation actually came out of the blue. I brought it out of the blue when we were just discussing about whether we would meet up for a movie tomorrow.

The week before, we agreed to watch a movie as well. Near his place because he still had a meeting at the university and I had more time to travel than he did, for us to catch the movie. On that same day, I got the job offer and it was supposed to serve as a little celebration. I was meant to spend it with my brother and J (they texted me after PJ asked me, so I told them I had plans but was willing to cancel it for them. They told me we could do it the next day, which we did.). PJ assured me that it wouldn’t be a hassle at all and that he could meet me for the movie.

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I waited at the food court near the cinemas (his place/suburb is about an hour long travel from where I live, but I agreed to do so because of his university meeting). Our agreed time to meet was at 7pm; I arrived at 630 because of the bus schedule, but ended up waiting for an hour and a half for him because his meeting ran longer than expected. I wasn’t too happy. I was shocked and amazed and ecstatic from the good news and wanted to celebrate it with those who matter the most. His invitation came first so I accepted, but while waiting for him, I became mad because I could have been celebrating an important stepping stone in my life with my family. I’ve never been that mad and disappointed with him before. He finally came around and I saw he was genuinely guilty, but the whole night it was clear that he didn’t know what to do to completely make it up to me. He made me laugh, gave me a big hug, but towards the end, acted like nothing happened. It didn’t feel completely ‘off my shoulder’ after that.

Hence why when he asked about a movie date tomorrow, I teased about whether he would really show up. We joked. We tried to plan, then those thoughts of trust and self-worth came in and I opened it up to him initially by asking “aren’t you getting tired or frustrated with me yet?”, in a joking manner.

Then I stumbled upon this song…

“Near to You” performed by A Fine Frenzy.

Excerpt:

“He and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be”

I am happy with him when we’re physically together; when we talk and laugh with each other, in each other’s company. The lyrics that talk of moving so slowly (about getting over my ex) and trying to become the person I used to be, those completely described how I feel and it was amazing that I found the words of my emotions through this song. I am not too certain, or maybe unwilling to accept, that maybe he is making me better by being with him. And that I'm still finding my way back to who I used to be: less bitter, lighter, happier? So uncertain… But I’m starting to believe though that it may be too late now, after sending the message to run away from me. Funny.

On a positive note: the song is beautiful and it was amazing to stumble upon it by accident to find that it described what I needed to put into words. 

A Moment to Express Gratitude

I’d like to take this opportunity to express my gratitude for where I am, where I've been and where I will be.

I had an interview exactly 7 days ago and had a call back today about the outcome: they offered me the job. They will have to wait for my registration to be finalized, which I pray will come out by December or January, and all the paper works will be finalized by then. It feels like half of the burden on my shoulders has been lifted, but I feel like I shouldn’t completely settle down or ‘take it easy’ as anything can happen.but I’m so happy for the simple fact that I do have something there, an opportunity. 

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Thank you, Lord. So much. For this opportunity to be progressing towards my goal, my dreams, my aspiration. For life in general and for the family and friends I have around me that have been my foundation and support throughout the ups and downs. For everything tangible and intangible in this world. The beauty of the trees and skies, and the emotions of love, hurt and happiness. I am nothing without you, Lord.

Thank you to my brother and his girlfriend for being my primary support throughout my journey here and for being my advisors and companions. I would be mentally insane and on the streets at this point without you guys.

For the new and the old. Mistakes, learning and growth. Opportunities to experience life and to be part of it.

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There is still a very long way to go, but I couldn’t go on without letting out my gratitude for it all.

A step forward and more to come.

Thank you…

Words

After reading a best friend’s blog about how words can change the world (alright, exaggerating, she meant more than that but that’s what I’m getting out for this post), I went off to a blog of an author, his words never failed to inspire me: Paulo Coelho. There were all these amazing quotes and I stumbled upon one that suited my current situation perfectly:

“Don't allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not.”

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The night before I was talking to my brother about how I was changing, and I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I was easily bitter, complaining and saying bad things in my head over simple matters that would usually not bother me before. He explained, in the stern voice he always used in such conversation, that the change is inevitable. To survive here and to survive at all, I couldn’t continue to have the “C--- (name of home island) attitude”, where it was laid back, life was easy and good, and not a full-on hard work to be done. I agreed, of course. I was here for the good, and all good things never come easy. I knew I would have to suffer to get to the best, but I did not realize I would have to lose myself. I sat on the edge of my bed, contemplating this and decided, I would change, yes, but not into a person I don’t want to be. Change for the better, for whatever skill or attitude would help me survive these times, but not into a bitter or negative person who lacks the care and warmth of my old self.

I’ve decided to start by simply picking up old habits: reading a novel again. I’ve said before that I’ve missed the simple things in life and it doesn’t get as simple as reading a novel, and I was a huge book worm growing up. Picking it back up now might not be a bad thing. It’ll serve as a distraction and means to relieve some stress and provide some relaxation. PJ said in passing about signing up for the library a couple of days back, and that’s exactly what I did. Money aspect of doing something for myself: solved! I’m slowly putting myself together, and getting to know myself more again. It’s very small and very slow, but I’m think I like the feeling.

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On today’s “God wants you to know” app was perfectly beautiful as well, as it reflected exactly what I needed to hear after having this huge fear about my limitations and weaknesses, as my first interview for a prospective job comes up:

“... that God sees you as you truly are, - a holy child of light: I see you strong and whole. I see you blessed and prospered. I see you courageous and confident. I see you capable and successful. I see you free from all limitations or bondage of any kind. I see you as the spiritually perfect being you truly are.”

It was perfect. This was what I needed to put myself up again. And with these words, I will go in the interview tomorrow and know that I am who I am and capable. I am capable.

Positive words. Positive thinking.
I will survive this. I am surviving this.


P.S.
Check out my friend's blog, she's a darling and talented writer. Enjoy.
(http://joaniewoanie.blogspot.com/)

Current State of Mind

It’s all coming to an end soon, and so is my physical, mental and emotional level. I’m feeling drained and tired of everything; getting tired easily too. I would prefer to bum around the house than work (I would imagine a lot of working people would agree to this statement). I’m sighing a lot just to be able to lessen that tightness; blank staring is a cherished holiday.

I had training at my new second job at a fine dining restaurant, and I was so tired during and after. It wasn’t physically draining as the bar job, and I felt it odd to feel so tired though. Realized that I didn’t talk to any of my co-workers because we were all busy, no customers because it wasn’t part of my job, and I guess socializing in general is important; even outside of work. Talking, catching up, sharing stories and simply being with another person does help you cope and enjoy life. I talk with my brother and J but not to the point of a conversation, but more of a passing “did you know” or little updates as “so you know”.

In general though, I do not know what genuinely makes me happy anymore. Watching movies is temporary, food is temporary and leaves a damaging effect on my body (fats!) and the few close friends I have are usually busy with other things. What makes me happy?

I made a post a couple of days ago about a dance showcase I watched and talked about how happy it made me feel and the realization of what I wanted to do; but I obviously can’t do that now. What has always kept me going back home to get me out of the glooms or was something out of the norm of my routine life?

Then I remembered my ex-partner. I woke up crying again this morning because of a dream I had of him. Again. But I know I don’t need a partner to make me happy. I just need to figure it out soon before my state of mind spirals down further...

Best "Tip" from a Customer

Back to work still recovering from my sick days and I wasn't exactly wagging my tail about it. I felt good enough though, and pushed myself, keeping a positive attitude about the day. Work started off pretty well, although there were would be occasions when my head would get a bit light or I would remind myself to take deep breaths. I went to the back for a bit (for this occasion I'm not certain of the reason) and on my way back, T told me that a gentleman was waiting for me at the front to thank me for my service. I did not think much of it, simply said "ok" and went back to the front. I saw the gentleman standing by the dessert cabinet, not too certain either if he looked impatient or not (it happened fairly quickly). I popped my head out, greeting the man and without another second to pass, he says "thank you", places in paper in my hand and walks away while I say an automatic "thank you, sir" back. I looked into my hand and I saw that he gave me a $50 bill...

(retrieved from google.com.au)

I just stared at it for a while. 

The barista asked if he just gave me a $50 bill, and I just nodded my head, showed her the bill and ask, "Should I keep it or put it on the plate?". She said it was my choice. I placed it on the plate. L (male) saw what I placed on the tip plate, picked up and stretched it out in the air with both arms asking "is this for real?" with such a loud exclamation. We all laughed.
I was amazed. That is a very unusually large tip to give, and for a table of three, that is extremely gracious.
These people weren't difficult, their orders were fairly simple, and I didn't serve them completely. I took their orders, L set them up and gave their orders, I cleaned out and asked if they wanted anything else. And that was that.

I couldn't get over it. Not even over it now.

Another thing to be grateful for.
Amazing. So amazing.

Sick Days

I've probably had a couple of flu episodes here and there, but last weekend was the worst I have had any kind of sickness, and it fell on the weekend, the days I usually have to work to actually live!

(retrieved via google.com.au)

Well, anyways, it started...
Friday afternoon: body malaise, feeling feverish
Friday night (working at the bar, my last shift there): body malaise worsened towards the end of the night, feeling feverish, on and off contracting headache then progressed to light-headedness
Saturday morning to afternoon: official fever (38.3 Celsius; never got a temp. this high back home), throat and neck pain, slight ringing in the ear, bad body malaise, feeling like crap
Saturday afternoon to evening: fever went down to 36.1 (hurray!) then went back up to 38.3 (boo!), and all the pain and hurt as above
Sunday: fever still going up and down, same pain and hurt, feeling like crap trampled on by a horse
Monday morning to afternoon: fever still going up and down but not as extreme as the day before, rest are the same as above, feeling like crap left alone by the horse
Monday afternoon to evening: highest fever reading ever 38.9 in the evening, but settled down to around 37 late at night, pain and body malaise improved

The most annoying part was the fever going up and down, up and down, up and down; and feeling like crap; and ... feeling like crap. It would have been fun to stay at home and bum for the heck of it, but nope. I just had to.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

Saw a doctor on Monday (the GPs here are not that.. accomodating or... nice.), it was apparently just a really really bad tonsilitis (infection of the tonsils). Figured that since I did everything EXCEPT get antibiotics (since I can't without a script). So yep. That's that. Interesting weekend. It really reminded me to be grateful 'bout my health.

So, kids out there, don't eat too much sweets... Or you'll end up with pustules on your tonsils as big as... peanuts.

Unexpected "Amazing-ness"

A friend sent me a text saying that he had extra tickets to a show called “Tic Tic II Tour”, a hip hop dance showcase. I wasn’t aware of who the performers were or what to expect, but they were free so I agreed to take them. We arrived in the concert hall, and there were so many kids dressed up in style (hip hop style at least) and Asians. Still clueless of the performers, we waited patiently till they directed us to our designated doors.

The performances started and the whole showcase literally BLEW MY MIND AWAY. The hip hop performances were amazing and as the night drew closer to an end, the better and amazing they became. The experience was amazing. Without any expectations and just getting completely shocked by the wonderful performances, it was just an amazing night and experience. There were members of Kaba Modern, Quest Crew, and the Poreotics were the main performers of the night, and they did not disappoint at all; clean and amazing choreography, creativity to the max.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

At one point of the night, I became a teenage girl again, squeeling and simply could not stop smiling from hot boys dancing damn sexy moves. They literally turned me on with me just sitting in my seat, and them on the stage. And the most unexpected thing happened too! I’ve been following some youtube artists and… ONE OF THEM PERFORMED THAT NIGHT! I was completely clueless and when they introduced him and he walked onto stage, I stared at my friend, speechless and just could not grinning and smiling at all. JR Aquino was AMAZING on stage, his voice was so soulful and groovy and just amazing. And another bonus, Joseph Vincent performed amazing medleys and he was a great performer too.

Having no expectations is great, because of all these wonderful surprises! Although, I think, even if I knew they were to perform, I’d still think all these acts were amazing and just wonderful.

At the end of the night, I was just grateful for being alive, to experience such wonderful randomness. The whole show was just this huge reminder of the things that made me smile, things I was so passionate about back home, things I loved to do and things I knew I still wanted to do; dance, singing, guitar, organizing shows, the lights, music, everything about it. These were things that I never realized, but helped me get through the monotonous living and studying, that gave color to my life and that helped me connect to people and use my creativity to the max. It was wonderful and it was exactly what I needed in this point of my life, where the night before I was wondering outside the apartment in circles in the middle of the night just to breathe and ‘unclench’ my chest and mind from all the stress I was feeling.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

It was amazing, the timing couldn’t have been better, and truly, we’re all being watched and looked after. Thank you, thank you. I can breathe, I can breathe.

Sooner than later, I will do all the things that made me happy again.

Side Note:

Saw a magpie chase after a guy on a motorbike (never knew how fast they flew).

The Second Job Dilemma

Have you come upon situations wherein before it happens to you, you’re certain of the choice or decision you would make, but once it happens, you become clueless?

People complain of slaving to works every day, doing ‘just a job’ to pay the rent and keep up with the bills, but cliché goes that you should do what you love and do what makes you happy. I was one of these to repeat such clichés to friends when a dilemma arises. Once it happens to you though, completely changes the story, doesn’t it?

I need a second job to save money for the coming transition (possibly moving to a new place or a car, and visa expenses). And I have two options… somewhat.

One job I’ve already been accepted to: people are great hard working but fun people, but the pay is crap. You deserve to grab every opportunity that makes you happy or out of the blue, when it’s hard to get it on a ‘regular’ basis in life.

Another job, I have yet to pass in my resume but my friend assures me that they would hire me: very professional atmosphere, formal dining, decent pay, but I have a feeling I won’t be getting along well with the others, and it’ll be ‘tight-ass’, as it is fine dining. So best behavior, just like what I’m doing in my first job.

Working at a place where, although it is stressful, it’s a bit fun because of the people; or in a restaurant that are professional and pay well.

Work with people you’ll enjoy; or work for good pay?

My priority is the money, but my happiness is never assured. This leads to the reflection of a ‘typical situation’: working to get paid.

To follow the cliché; or, to follow the ‘norm’?

Next Step: Employers

On Tuesday, I rushed up to the second floor to drop in my resume to apply for the Graduate Nurse Program I knew the hospital was offering, but turns out that I missed the deadline by 3 to 4 days. I missed the deadline for the applications for government hospitals (as they were all done at one time under one system), and the end of the program was coming to an end.

I directly went into panic mode. No exaggeration.

Rode the first bus to head to my friend’s place, used his phone and laptop to look up the full list of private hospitals from the government website and called all of the hospitals with a 50 to 100 bed capacity. Almost every single one put me down. Left some messages on some, but when the second or third callback came to give me a negative, I couldn’t help it. I broke down on my friend’s couch. None of my friends have ever seen me cry (only some my workmates at the restaurant during Mother’s day). It was a complete down low.

Finding a sponsor is my only option to stay here and it wasn’t an option to fail. My friend soothed me and told me to keep trying. I picked myself up and told him we were going to drop by the church.

I haven’t had the chance to go as often as I liked, but on that day, it was truly what I needed.  Faith and belief are great tools in times of doubt and uncertainties.

We spent almost half an hour in the church. I lit a candle for my problems with sponsorship and another for my family and friends; sat down in one of the pews and just prayed and talked and reflected upon what I needed to do.  It is amazing what a little in-depth prayer can do for you. I felt a bit of clarity, and was reminded of an important fact I often have trouble remembering:

“Everything happens for a reason for God has a great plan for us, whether we see what is to come or not…”

I cannot control all things in my life but I can do my best in everything.

There’s a special little quote on my wall that I have failed to read over the past weeks due to busy schedules, stress and a bit of depression. I’m pretty sure I’ve posted it in my blog a couple of times but it never fails to push me on. It goes like this:

“Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe…” ~ Gail Devers

Thank you, God…

Distraction

The pain and hurt is still present, although my educated mind understands completely that I shouldn’t be. We’ve been apart for months; it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Before the ‘news’, I have been getting to know others and getting along well with the rest; but, as soon as the ‘news’ hit, subconsciously perhaps, I started to become more open to a guy who was the closest to me at the time. He’s makes me laugh and is such a sweetheart, he’s a nice guy. A nice guy. Typically not one I would be attracted to but he does have looks, and with a bit of work, girls would probably be chasing after him. He had become my distraction.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

It took me a couple of days to realize what I may be doing to him, practically using him just to comfort myself and my hurting ego. Before my realization, we were getting comfortable, knowing each other more, and reaching to a point of getting to know each other on a serious level and maybe even a commitment, official or not. I believe it was the point where it was closing on as a commitment that I got slapped out, and my normal ‘chicken’ self popped its head up and started to question whether what was going on was real or not. Was it based on feelings for my ex ‘moved’ towards another, or did I genuinely like this new guy?

I couldn’t handle using someone and being aware of it. It just wasn’t it me. I explained the situation and I proposed that we strictly become friends until my hurt ego heals itself or at least recuperates from the blow; at least when the time comes that I am thinking clearly, I would be confident of my own emotions and what I want to do about it.

Another little thorn or distraction: I still like his good friend, the bartender. It is part of the reason why I don’t want to become more than friends just yet, since it would completely wipe out my chances of getting know his friend. Wouldn’t it be right to take a risk for someone you completely feel for? (I’ve liked him for months now.)

On the other hand, his friend hasn’t made a move, or even attempted to do anything. Do I allow myself to wait around for something that might not come?

Decision for all this: just stop it all. Be friends with both. See how things go.

I’m still young, there’s no rush.

(Easier said than done, hey?)

P.S.
Despite the distractions, I still think about my ex; but probably not as much as it would if I didn't have any. I don't know. Doing my best to heal. I know I'll get there. Just don't want to use anyone just to reach it.

He's Moving On

I’m not entirely sure if I’ve mentioned about my ‘love’ history, but I have a feeling I have. But just as a quick summary: to come here (another continent), I had to leave my ‘almost’ 2-years boyfriend back at home.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

The first couple of weeks, maybe months, were spent waking up and missing him, and all that was home. And as time passed, he would become an occasional thought. When boys (yes, boys, not men) crept into my life, he became an intermittent memory I looked upon unconsciously, comparing the present suitors to my past. For the past weeks, from a ‘basis’ or guide of what I look for, it became thoughts of longing and of old emotions resurfacing. ‘I love him’ passed through my head as I thought of what he had done to make me happy: small moments and big gestures.

It was unexpected, this resurfacing, as I have always imagined myself to be alright to move away from him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You realize the small traits that made the big difference. And when others come around who can’t match up, you think back and wonder and wish for their presence in your life now.

We have been keeping in touch. An e-mail every week or fortnightly, of new things and updates of common friends; and along those messages, I guess they helped my feelings stay ‘intact’ for him.

A couple of weeks ago, he mentioned in passing of a girl he admired or was interested in (actually, I had to ‘squeeze’ it out of him). I encourage him to try and befriend her, get to know her. He disagrees, saying she was ‘too high up there’ and he wasn’t anything she’d be interested in.

Finally, after his trip to an island with an amazing beach, he sends me back an e-mail of little updates and mentions in passing (again) that he was getting close to her.

(retrieved via google.com.au)

He was a man who was loyal and his love for me was great, no doubting that. He accepted for me, even after stupid things and dead ends. We know that we’ll always be special to each other, but I guess it’s fair to say that we both knew waiting for a year or two would never really happen. I’m glad, truly am, that he’s found someone there who may deserve his love and his warmth. He’s a great man and one who truly knows how to protect and take care of his girl. Of course, a feelings of hurt and sadness are evident (blank staring, urge to cry but no tears, etc). But it’s for the better.

I’ve posted “Someone Like You” by Adele, dedicated to him, but it has an even deeper meaning after his little ‘passing’ message. I do wish all the best to him, he deserves every happiness he can get and a special someone who’ll take care of him too. 

---------
Addition:

As I was with him for a long time, I’ve become fairly close with his friends too. Some of which were at that beach escapade they had.

I saw the pictures, of him being with his new girl; with her in his arms and vice versa. Obviously, they haven’t just ‘started’ to get close.

They look happy, like they’ve been getting to know each other for quite awhile, and I’m glad to see that he has found someone who makes him happy. Again, he deserves every happiness he can get. 

My friend posted up three albums of their escapade, and in every album, I opened up every picture I could see of him and then those with the girl. It was hard on me, a bit of a torture, but I looked at every picture I could see of them and saw their happy faces, sticking to each other, and hugs full of love and comfort.

All I can do now is to fully let him go and wish him the best. I’ve sent an e-mail to ‘formally’ cut off all communication. He deserves to be free, not held down by a ‘foreign entity’. It obviously hasn’t held him down per se, but I guess it’s for my good as well.

It hurts but I guess I always knew this was coming. It was bound to happen. And I just have to keep breathing.

Breathing…

-----

Update (5 Sept 2011):

Woke up this morning with tears in my eyes; I was pretty shocked about that.

The whole day was pretty hard and I can’t shake of the feeling of tightness in my chest. When I’m working, I’m completely fine; but when given the chance to just sit down and do nothing, I fall into a blank stare and start remembering the pictures and tear up again.

I did not expect myself to be this affected by such new, although I always knew the day would come. I guess its because deep inside I always hoped for a future with him. After a year or two of being a part, we would finally be able to be together again. I’ve even daydreamed about how it would be to see him again, to live with him in our own place. Oh g**. I’m pathetic.

I feel so stupid for being so affected and hurt by something lost so long ago. But it does. It hurts so much with just a slight thought of it.

I feel as well that I am happy for him because he deserves someone good, but for myself, I truly don’t believe I deserve to be with anyone with what I’ve done to him. And despite my mistakes, he still loved me so much and I guess that’s another reason why it hurts so much now.

I don’t know what to think to make things better for myself. I know I have to forgive myself soon enough but I just don’t know how to or if I really deserve to.

I still love him. It hurts. He’s happy. He deserves it. I need to let him go. I need to forgive myself. I need to survive this. I need to. 

Brink of Giving Up

Deadlines are rushing close and my body and mind does not seem to want to cooperate with me.

I feel myself reaching the brink of ‘giving up’, of surrendering and just not giving a damn anymore. I’m reaching the point of using up my personal resources, of emotions, of caring, of making the most of everything. Financial tightness, registration pressure, university necessities and personal emotions running low. The tipping point was finally my body gave up and decided to develop a cold and fever during my practical days at the hospital.

I missed the first day, requesting that I may use it to work on requirements. The nurse unit manager noticed I looked sick as it is.

The next day, I survived until lunch time until finally the staff nurse I was working with told me to go home. The reason I even tried to stay as long as I could was because of my fear of messing up my ‘plans’ for my clinical hours, as I was given the opportunity to set up my own roster in the ward. Selfish and foggy thoughts, I approached the nurse unit manager to ask permission to head off early, and he agreed, but my next statement is one I regret completely and utterly for the stupidity and selfishness it shows. “Would it be possible to ask if __ would sign for my 12 hours? Or would I write in 6 hours?” I regretted it the instant I said it and saw his stern face. And he asked me “Do you think it fair to do so? It would be like me paying one of my staff for 12 hours when they only worked for 6?”. My apologies did not add up either or make sense, as I my conscious ability to think had decreased and my ego came into sudden play.

When my body is weak, my brain becomes mean. Idiotic. Unthinking.

Unexpected of myself, I ran to the toilet and let off the sudden urge to shower myself with salt water. (LOL). Frustrated.

He was my best chance of getting a job in the hospital after graduation, and I screwed it up with a statement of selfishness.

I went home and slept. Hoping it would fade off upon waking.

It didn’t. I feel that I have reached my limit. My body is weak, my mind is non-moving, and my will is slowly declining.

Deadlines are still coming, and I have yet to work on so many things.

I’ve always been the person to push the rest of my program mates in believing in themselves and looking towards what is right in front of us. Pushing and encouraging them. Worrying about them. Assisting them. Now. I need that for myself and I don’t know who to run to but God.

God. Please help me.

--- Additional

As I cross out my planned out hours on my time sheet (as it was becoming too unsightly from the changes and writing over), it came into mind that I cannot have perfect control over things. I planned out these hours, without the thought of sickness or other possibilities. As I cross them out with my friend's "white ink", it was somewhat a calming move, as I cleared out the boxed and left the empty to be filled with the hours I accomplish, than the ones I plan on accomplishing. Not all things can be controlled. All things unfold on its own. All things happen for a reason. And only God's will will set what is right. I have to learn to loosen up my grip and deal with what comes.

God. Please guide me.

"God's" Message for me on Facebook

You know of the application where you can see what your message from God is for the day? 


Here is mine for the day:


"On this day, God wants you to know

... that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about."

Last night, I was out with a friend and I shared about my biggest mistake in my life: cheating on my previous boyfriend. 

I know these things are randomized and may have no spiritual aspect to it, but the timing of such a message was quite interesting and well, you can't help but think "God truly works in mysterious ways..."

Can I assume that this is what it refers to?

I honestly don't want to assume this, but then again, it might be my mechanism of denial as well. That I still believe that I need to be punished for it. 

I can't let go. I can't see myself as someone worthy of love after being used as a toy while I loved another person. 

One step at a time.